Dateline: Hell Breaks Loose Again!

I love my little inner life. I fiercely protect and defend it like a mother lion. That's why I started this blog. I really don't give a shit if anybody ever reads it because that's not the point of it for me. I have been journaling for the past 20 years. And nobody said a thing. It is the only place where I can truly be myself and say exactly what I feel because on the outside surface I am a nice, polite, pleasant person. I do my best to people please and my boss at work is always commenting about how quiet I am. This shocks me whenever he says it because that is not an adjective my friends and family would use. And like most people I am angry on the inside, but possessing a forthright attitude of dogged determination that I am going to be just fine, I can let it go, and find serenity.

The path to feeling serene often involves the process of true feelings coming out, mulling them over, and planning a course of action to deal with it in the most effective way. That's what a journal is good for. Because initially how I really truly feel is irrational and mean. Journaling works for me. Period.

Now I have this really big dilemna with my boyfriend. For what seems like the 20th time in two years he has once again come across my journal. And thrown the biggest hissy fit you can imagine. Again. He walked in on me making a post here. One that chronicled only loving thoughts about our upcoming two year anniversary by the way. Didn't matter. He read a previous post that mentioned my ex-husband and hinted at past abuses by him and promptly deleted it. I know why he does this. My boyfriend is horribly, soul-crushingly insecure. It is the One Big Thing We Fight About. He does everything else right (well, maybe not everything, but almost). He is good with my kids. He is great with my handicapped son. He has provided us with a home. I don't live in a subsidized apartment hellhole anymore. I really do love him very very much. But.

I hate the insecurity. I hate the fact that he tries to destroy the creative spirit I have when I sit down to write something. When you are with somebody that controlling, your little inner life is all you have left that's yours and yours alone. They have taken over everything else. He may or may not read this. At this point, I really don't care. My attitude, right or wrong, is go ahead asshole. But you can't stop me. No one ever will. I told him that day that the insecurity issue is what stands in between us getting married. He said that he thought he'd gotten better. I don't really know if I agree. I think what has really happened is I have modified my behavior to conform more to his liking. He said he would try to change... again. And he cried... again. Yeah. My ex-husband did the same thing too. I know better.

So right now I have to decide what to do about this. I am thrilled that I finally have a co-parent. But a manipulating controlling one? That's what I am un-happy about. Well, now I have to go because he just called and I have to hurry this up. Because some things just won't change!