Why Not Just Break The Godamned Cycle?

I am going to hold off for just a few more days before I post my "Dirtbag Of The Month". Oh it's definetly going to be my ex-husband if this god-forsaken child support check does not come thru. It's been over a month since I have been writing about the anticipation of it. Last week, he called and said some bullshit about how he got hurt at work and is expecting some sort of settlement check from Workmen's Comp or Liberty Mutual Insurance depending on which conversation you want to cull that info from and then we should get part of it. Fine. Great. If it's true, which if this asshole is your primary source, then there's a 80 percent chance it's all a big fat LOAD OF UTTER BULLSHIT. However we can hold on to that slim little 20 percent that it might be true, so for now, he is NOT my Dirtbag Of The Month just yet. Oh, what does it matter anyway? I've said it before, he will always be The Dirtbag Of Our Lives, but for now, we still wait... ever so patiently... I will give it a week. Max. One week. If there is no check, and I really don't give a shit if he calls again and says it's on it's way, he is the Dirtbag Of The Month.

Oh, and I also mentioned to my mother that I thought that my sister was too thin. She made light of it and said "Oh, she's just trying to eat healthy, because she wants the baby to get used to eating vegetables." BUUUUUUUUUUUULL CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP. There's nothing "healthy" about weighing 80 pounds, unless you are eight years old and under five feet tall. She's five three. But this is typical Mom. If my sister had told her she was becoming a lesbian or an atheist (or both), now THAT would be a cause for concern and THAT would get her attention.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Man On The Moon. I don't know why critics panned this movie because it was fabulous. I hadn't seen it in years. It's so good, that even after all these years I still remembered most of the great parts. The movie was so perfectly cast with Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman. In the last half of the movie, Andy starts his wrestling phase, and I think that's a perfect metaphor for his comedy. Wrestling is violent and confrontational. It's shocking and crass. And it's all a big put-on. You know when you see it, it's not real... or is it? Two weeks ago we saw Jackass Number Two. Talk about shocking and crass! Oh I could go on all day about why the concept behind this show is so wrong and so right (it's "Let's be as disgusting and stupid as we can possibly be and call it funny"). And you would think that by that last statement I hated this movie. But I LOVED IT. Drinking horse semen? Making a pubic hair beard for your friend who has no idea that it's that? Letting your friend brand your ass cheek with a penis symbol? People don't get any more obscene than that. Awesome. We also watched the ATL last nite. I have mixed feelings about this movie. Maybe I was thinking it was gonna be like The Wire. The ghetto kids on that show seem like they are so lost and it's already permanent and they have no hope. Their life is nothing but heartache and violence. But the kids in ATL weren't ghetto kids, but more like black working-class. Drug sales were only a minor theme, while hanging out at a local skating rink was a more major one (like Roll Bounce, which was a much better movie by the way). This is great, but how real is it? There was very little cussing and very little sex in this movie. That's not really how these kids talk or act is it? Nah... So while it was entertaining, the ATL, I don't think, was very realistic.

But what the hell do I know? I grew up in a middle class home in a small midwestern town. So what do I know about life in the ATL?

Book I'm Reading This Week: Running With Scissors and Dry, both by Augusten Burroughs. I bought and read Dry a few months ago, but the book he wrote before that was Runinng With Scissors. What made it special for me was that after reading Scissors, Dry made more sense. This guy had a truly strange upbringing. Crazy bitch for a mother, alcoholic Dad, and that doesn't make the story special because a lot of people can relate to that, but how many kids get sent to live with their mother's crazy psychiatrist and his family? Then in Dry he chronicles his struggle with alcoholism. Which I find more interesting. Out of all the things I've read, I think that this is the one of the best overall accounts of somebody's use and recovery. He is able to say things that a lot of alcoholics and addicts feel but can't always verbalize. It made me realize something very important. Number One: I'm not an alcoholic. But I think like one. Some of the internal mind processes are present in my own. That craving and longing for it. I have that. I don't long to be drunk. I just long to be altered. You know, not drunk, but not entirely sober either. So this means I have to always be vigilant and keep a good eye on myself. I can't ever see myself downing a fifth of Dewars every night like Augusten, but then again, when he started drinking I'll bet he couldn't see himself doing that either. And he just slid, down that really slippery slope. Scary.

Best Song I Heard This Week: Twenty Years And Two Husbands Ago by Lee Ann Womack. This song has been out for awhile but I made myself a mix CD to listen to in the car and this is on it. Country Music has created a little niche for women my age and older and this is mostly a good thing. It gets a little overbearing sometimes, and Lord help you if you have PMS and listen to Country Radio all day. You might as well bring a big box of hankies with you. But songs like this are special. Here's my favorite part:

Driving the kids to school today, it occurred to me
With all the wrong turns I've made,
I'm where I should be
But I go back there from time to time
Lookin' for that peace of mind,
And find it's always just a dead-end road
Yeah that was twenty years and, two husbands ago


Current Sewing Project: Yes! I'm sewing again! It's a gypsy costume for my daughter.

Top News Story: There's two. First, a congressman by the name of Mark Foley has been caught sending raunchy Emails to a 16 year old male Page. What pisses me off even more than that he actually sent emails like that, is that when the shit hit the fan, he immediately checked himself into rehab. Now they said today on the news that he had been molested by a priest when he was a kid. I'm truly sorry that this happened to him, but why not just break THE GODAMNED CYCLE! Why not just say "I'm a representative in congress and I have no business trying to get into a teenage boy's pants, so I WON'T. If I want some company, I should date a grown man instead." And to go hide in rehab instead of face the music and own up to what he did is cowardly. Which is what all child molesters are anyway. Cowards. They are too chicken shit to have a relationship with an adult.

Also, some Dirtbag walked into an Amish school and shot and killed five little girls. Again, it's surfaced that he molested kids in the past. So, don't still be a moron and go kill kids in a school and turn the gun on yourself! I don't get this at all. It's always boys or men that do this. Fuckin' Dirtbags. All of 'em.

So today is Wednesday. I started this post on Saturday and because it's so long, it took me awhile. I was supposed to, according to my ex-husband, get the child support check on Saturday. I said I'd give it a week. Now he's got four more days to make good. Actually, now that I think about it, if he was telling the truth, why wouldn't he have called me by now to make sure I got it. I mean, he made such a big deal last week, calling and calling about this stupid check. And now this week, not a single call. Sigh. See, now I long for a drink! I'm upset and I just don't want to feel it! The best thing to do is fight this feeling, but today you know I won't. Today is my day off and you know that at lunch time, you'll see a glass of chardonnay in my hand. I won't be drunk today. Don't worry. But this is exactly what I was talking about earlier.

Sigh, Indeed...