Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.



You know, out of all the horoscope listings for this week, Capricorn's the lamest one. So here's another one:

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.