I'm Feeling Way Too Down To Write But I'm Gonna Do It Anyway

As I write this, I am patiently waiting for a nurse and social worker from DCFS to come to my house. Well, at least I know the nurse is coming, the social worker was called and I should expect to see his cheery little face anytime in the next few days. They accuse me of medical neglect because on Saturday I didn't give my son his ulcer medicine or allergy medicine that day. He ended up in the hospital because he was puking blood. Nevermind that I asked the doctor if missing a dose of that would cause that much vomiting and she said "No."

Now I can admit to not being a perfect type A parent. Which by the way, if I was, they wouldn't like that either because then I would be too much trouble by demanding that they be perfect. And apparently being too laid back and letting them control everything isn't working either. I hate all nurses and social workers. It's like being a kid and having to live in a house where your step-dad molests you repeatedly. You have to be grateful and thankful that he puts a roof over your head, you are a kid and you need him but it's a necesarry EVIL. I don't even care how hateful and ungratefull this sounds. But it's how I am feeling today, and I have decided that I am not putting up with it any longer.

The solution: I have to put him in a Home. And I have to do it before the state puts him in foster care. Because if they do that, then I won't have any rights or say so over his care. Somebody else could tell a doctor to literally pull the plug on him if he ever got that bad, and believe me, with this kid, it's been THAT BAD more than once. That's my fear. Would my life be a lot easier if I didn't have him here with me? Of course it would. But on the second day of his life when the doctor told me that he was going to be the way he is today, I made a DECISION. A decision to not give up, just because it would be the easy thing to do. I have stuck it out and sacrificed a lot. And now here I am thinking of throwing in the towel! Another reason the nursing home idea appeals to me more is because that nursing agency (whom I absolutely detest now) will lose a major case and lots of money, whereas, if he goes to foster care, that family will get home health nursing from the same agency (probably) and the company doesn't lose any of their dollars. So what did I do today? I contacted the nearest facility that will take children and Medicaid and will be visiting them next week. I'll be sure to not wear any mascara that day and take along an entire box of kleenex because it's gonna be a long and teary day.

Whatever my next journal post is gonna be, I sure do hope it's a cheerier one than this. I just feel despondent and helpless over this.

I shouldn't use words like that though. Right now CNN is on in the background. The Hurricane. Now THAT'S DESPONDENT AND HELPLESS. I might be feeling really shitty about my situation but my life isn't that bad. Now is it?

Books I've read this week: The Surgeon's Wife. (I had to put the Bill Clinton book aside and start reading something else. I just had to.) This is a true crime story. Did the surgeon dismember his bitchy, cheating, coke using wife and dump her body out of an airplane somewhere in New Jersey? This book seems to think so, and so did the jury.

Movies I've seen: Napoleon Dynamite. Except I didn't get to see all of it, I missed certain parts because I had to cook dinner. What I did get to see, I thought was hilarious. And when I do get to see it in full I'll write about it more detail.

Album I Listened To This Week: Rock Swings by Paul Anka. I LOVE THIS RECORD!!!!!!! It's all remakes of rock songs that he turned to fabulous and quite complex arrangements. Imagine Tony Bennett singing "Black Hole Sun"! Mel Torme doing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"! Frank Sinatra singing Van Halen's "Jump"! It works, and it's stangely wonderful. The songs still retain their edge and messages of desolation and longing, but they SWING! It's a soundtrack to depraved deeds commited in Las Vegas. Every track is so finely crafted. And my favorite track is: You know, I can't pick just one. Every single song is very special.

Hot Topic Of The Week: Hurrican Katrina. The city of New Orleans as well as the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and Alabama has been absolutely DECIMATED. Millions of people are now homeless and thousands are dead. The public is now outraged that our government was too complacent with the rescue efforts. And our president's response is that he doesn't know what they're talking about.

Sorry, I can't help you there. I voted for Kerry. Although I would have liked to have voted for Howard Dean. YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Update: I just talked to the administrator of the Home I contacted. I go to visit on Friday morning. It'll be a five hanky weeper of a day.