Weekly Onion Horoscope

As usual, the horoscope for Capricorn is lame, so I will add my personal fave for the week:

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.