Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've long known the guys at NASA have a tendency to pull pranks, but you'll still agree to check on a supposedly broken wind tunnel next week.

As usual my horoscope is lame. But the Virgo one is outstanding. Here it is.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week, when you win a pie-eating contest and then, minutes later, take first place in a pie-vomiting contest.