The Dirtbag Of The Month

I have threatened to do this more than once, but this time I MEAN IT! My ex-husband, Todd Michael Carr is The Dirtbag Of The Month! I gave him more than a month to make good on the apparently empty promise of child support. Wait. I should take that back. If I go on the state's child support website, it says that the last payment I received was on December 24, 2003. TWO THOUSAND THREE. In a few months it will be four years. Four years and over 22,000 dollars.

What I don't understand is why lie? Why call us and lie about it? In the past four years, when he had bothered to call, there were times, I hadn't even mentioned it all. So why, after all this time call us up and be a BULLSHITTING LIAR? Duh! Because this asshole has ALWAYS been a bullshitting liar. I have known this all along, but for some reason, I had a sliver of hope. I really don't know why I did.

You know, I've been divorced now for almost five years, and my life has changed so much for the better. I really do have a great man. I mean that. I do. Most days I like my job (I just wish it paid more), and even tho there might still be just drywall up and no carpet in the upstairs hallway after two years of living here, my life is good. I would like to think that I am totally over the trauma of being married to Todd, but that's not really true. That kind of hellish torture must take more than five years to get over. A co-worker of mine told me this morning that her husband stayed out until 5:30 AM on Sunday, and she had to be at work by 6, and she was worried that he wouldn't make it home in time for her to go to work. They have a little boy. She couldn't leave him there by himself. It brought back a flood of bad memories. I wanted to tell her that I have a couple hundred stories like that. And then I realized that my man now, would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS DO THAT TO ME. So hearing that, just brought it all back. Except, in my story, it wasn't 5:30 AM. It was coming home after a week long crack binge. I feel profoundly damaged by the nearly ten years I spent with him. It wasn't just the drug abuse. It was the violence, the installation of fear, the manipulation and lies, the isolation from friends and family, and his pure arrogance in that he felt that he could treat another human being in that way that broke me.

I could go on and on about all the bad shit. I could. I won't.

I have to get over this. I don't know how I will, but I have to. It's apparently not enough that I have a decent and fairly happy life now. I think it starts with the next time he calls, I don't talk to him. He can talk to his kids. If he wants to know how our son in the Home is doing, he can call them himself. There will be no screaming and yelling or accusing. I don't have anything else to say. Period.

Todd Carr is not only The Dirtbag Of The Month, he's The Dirtbag Of Our Lives. It will never change. Thank God I did. I Thank God that He gave me the courage to make those changes, and when I go to sleep tonite, it will be next to a wonderful man who adores me and loves me like no one ever has before. I am fortunate and blessed. And I Thank God that I know this.