All The Hurts We Carry

I know what I want to bitch about today... About how on Monday nite, I wanted to go out to dinner with a few friends from work, and I thought that maybe FINALLY my terminally insecure boyfriend would not create a mini-drama right before hand or during my abscence, but of course at this point, it would seem really weird if he didn't. He did not disappoint. I could go into the details, but I've talked about this shit before on here, and I feel the need for a new topic.

No, I need to talk about my middle child, however painful this might be. Why is it painful? Because it's making me think about my own childhood, and I don't wanna go there. Ever. (Thank You St. James Winery for making a overly sweet product that is very easy to guzzle and not just sip. I'll be with you shortly!) She decided that it would be all right to take my Ipod to school with her. When I make that statement, it doesn't seem so bad, but think about it: my boyfriend paid 300 dollars for it last Christmas. It is my favorite possession. OF ALL TIME. If she lost it, broke it, or it got stolen, I couldn't just go run right out and get another to replace it. But she KNEW it was NOT the right thing to do. I let the kids listen to it when they are here at home whenever the want to, but that's where it ends.

So why does it remind me of childhood? It sounds like something I would have done when I was that age! Except, my parents didn't quite have any toys that were that expensive. But the sneakiness factor. Yeah, I had that. And when I got caught, I was punished pretty severely too. It hurts because I think that my stepdad was more of a dick than he needed to be, but then again, last nite I got so mad at her I threw the remote at the TV and broke it, plus called her a few choice names (not to her face, tho, only after she fled downstairs) I was no better than him when I did that. I grounded my daughter for a week, am making her do the dishes every nite, and the worst thing of all, I am NOT buying her a MP3 player like I planned to for Christmas. And I really wanted her to get that too.

This has got me down because I know what I'm facing for the next seven years. I was that demon child. I was so hoping that we could just avoid that altogether.

Best Movie I Saw: Just Friends. This was not the funniest movie I've ever seen, nor the cleverest, but it wasn't that bad, and there were some great scenes, but the scene stealer wasn't one of the two main stars of the film, Ryan Reynolds or Amy Smart. Nope. It was Anna Faris playing a character named "Samantha James". She is a spoiled self absorbed pop star who is an amalgam of our current crop of singing starlets such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff or Paris Hilton. (Yeah, I can't beleive that Paris Hilton has a record out too, but she actually does!) I will be looking for more films featuring this girl because she is immensely talented. Normally, I would talk a little about the plot or the theme of a film here, but this one is not that hot, so why waste my time trying to explain it to well... nobody actually, because nobody reads this blog anyway. I do it because I have a compulsive need to write a diary and because I like to write. I might not be that great at it, but I enjoy it, so here it is.

Book I'm Currently Reading: The River Of Doubt by Candice Millard. Oh man is this a fabulous book! It's about a river expedition that Theodore Roosevelt and his son along with about thirty other men took down an uncharted river in South America. Here is a sentence I found in a review by Publishers Weekly: "Millard, a former staff writer for National Geographic, nails the suspense element of this story perfectly, but equally important to her success is the marvelous amount of detail she provides on the wildlife that Roosevelt and his fellow explorers encountered on their journey, as well as the cannibalistic indigenous tribe that stalked them much of the way." I'm almost done, and right now in the story, the men are nearing the end. This is such a suspenseful drama that I had to read ahead to find out if they survived or not. I thought to myself "Surely I would have remembered from History Class if they told us that Roosevelt had died in the Rain Forest, wouldn't I?" But I wasn't so sure. This is how harrowing the story is. They do survive, apparently, but from my sneaked ahead reading of the last chapter, we find out that his son Kermit, who you grow to adore during the book because he seems like he has such a fantastic character, turns into a raging alcoholic, who repeatedly cheats on his long suffering wife (which by the way, the book lovingly accounts for us their initial courtship)and KILLS HIMSELF while on a military post in Alaska. This is what I get for cheating by reading the end before I'm done with the book.

Best Song I Heard This Week: Since a great portion of my day is spent making signs in the back room, I am treated to the radio and various different stations, depending on who was there last. I heard a great song called "Pain" by Three Days Grace. Here's Why:

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Now, this is about S&M, but it's about more than that in my mind. Some of us carry around more hurt than others. And we can accept this and know that instead of numbing yourself, you can let it out of yourself, and nothing let's it out better than moaning in pain and ecstacy. It's more eloquently stated than "I wanna fuck you like an animal" don't you think?

Top News Story: Well, for us and the rest of the Midwest, we had a HUGE STORM last week. Over a foot of snow. I kind of secretly like the snow. It just seems too weird to be 60 degrees in the middle of winter like it has been for the last few years. It was weird (although I certainly had no complaints) when I lived in Florida and it's weird in the Midwest. But we are dug out and the roads are plowed, and life is going on, especially for the shoppers at my store, as we all collectively tear our hairs out trying to accomodate them.

I'm not sure how I want to end this post... I could talk about a few different recurring themes that constantly pop up here in my diary, such as... Like the co-worker whose husband completely ABANDONED her a few months ago, she with their two kids and ONE ON THE WAY, but not before he took out all of their furniture and cleaned out her bank account. She hadn't heard from him at all in weeks and all of a sudden he text messages her today and tells her that he has been in the hospital with a blood clot for a week and suddenly misses her and the kids. Yeah because he's FUCKIN SOBER NOW that's why! (Recurring Theme: Dirtbag Drug Addict Ex-Husbands) Or I could talk about how I don't know what to do with my daughter now, and my anxiety about the future. (Recurring Theme: Shitty Childhood- but this is not as recurring as the first) Or I could conclude this post with thoughts about why I had to leave dinner with my work friends early due to the fact that my boyfriend had a problem AND MR. "I CAN FIX ANYTHING" SUDDENLY COULDN'T PUT ANTIFREEZE IN HIS OWN DAMN CAR WITHOUT ME BEING THERE (Recurring Theme: Insecure Boyfriend) but well, why beat a dead horse?

NEIGH!