Weekly Onion Horoscope

CAPRICORN IS ALWAYS SO FRICKIN LAME!!!!!!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.

Here's a better one:

Your Birthday Today

Friends and family members will gather tonight to commemorate the day you were born, much as they'll gather a week from now to commemorate the day you died.

Now this one is priceless.