Weekly Onion Horoscope

As usual, Capricorn is lame...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.

But here's the best one:

Aries March 21 - April 19

You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.