Where To Begin?

This was not a good week. I don't know where to begin. I don't even know if I want to recount any of it or how much detail I want to reveal. Problems with social workers. Problems with my daughter. Problems with work. It all sucked this week.

A social worker knocked on my door a few days ago saying that a complaint had been filed by the nursing agency who takes care of my son. They arrived at my house and they thought my boyfriend had left him there alone (I was at work). He says he was there all the time and that he was in the driveway working on a car. I would like to believe that he wouldn't take off and leave him there for any reason, but now it boils down to who to believe, him or the nurse. I don't know how much trouble we could get in for this but this never should have happened and it looks bad all around. My gut feeling about this tells me that my boyfriend did NOT leave the house and is telling me the truth. Because I know that he really does care about my son and normally does an EXCEPTIONAL job taking care of him. I can gripe all I want to about how I hate the fact that he is so massively insecure, but he really does do a great job with all of my kids.

I don't really hate my job per se, but I am getting sick of it. I've had worse. I done harder things than this and felt more pressure and I've certainly had worse supervisors. It's just little things that add up. I can't tell if I do a good job or not. I don't know where I stand. I can't tell if I meet their standards for performance. I don't get positive feedback, and I don't necesarrily get negative feedback either. I want to apply for a promotion. But I don't want to seem utterly foolish for even thinking I could get that position because I am so reviled. I know I know I know. I should apply. They can just give it to somebody else and then I'll know I suck. Or... I could get the job and then I'll know that I am good enough. No guts, no glory. That's what I always say.

Dateline: Hell Breaks Loose Again!

I love my little inner life. I fiercely protect and defend it like a mother lion. That's why I started this blog. I really don't give a shit if anybody ever reads it because that's not the point of it for me. I have been journaling for the past 20 years. And nobody said a thing. It is the only place where I can truly be myself and say exactly what I feel because on the outside surface I am a nice, polite, pleasant person. I do my best to people please and my boss at work is always commenting about how quiet I am. This shocks me whenever he says it because that is not an adjective my friends and family would use. And like most people I am angry on the inside, but possessing a forthright attitude of dogged determination that I am going to be just fine, I can let it go, and find serenity.

The path to feeling serene often involves the process of true feelings coming out, mulling them over, and planning a course of action to deal with it in the most effective way. That's what a journal is good for. Because initially how I really truly feel is irrational and mean. Journaling works for me. Period.

Now I have this really big dilemna with my boyfriend. For what seems like the 20th time in two years he has once again come across my journal. And thrown the biggest hissy fit you can imagine. Again. He walked in on me making a post here. One that chronicled only loving thoughts about our upcoming two year anniversary by the way. Didn't matter. He read a previous post that mentioned my ex-husband and hinted at past abuses by him and promptly deleted it. I know why he does this. My boyfriend is horribly, soul-crushingly insecure. It is the One Big Thing We Fight About. He does everything else right (well, maybe not everything, but almost). He is good with my kids. He is great with my handicapped son. He has provided us with a home. I don't live in a subsidized apartment hellhole anymore. I really do love him very very much. But.

I hate the insecurity. I hate the fact that he tries to destroy the creative spirit I have when I sit down to write something. When you are with somebody that controlling, your little inner life is all you have left that's yours and yours alone. They have taken over everything else. He may or may not read this. At this point, I really don't care. My attitude, right or wrong, is go ahead asshole. But you can't stop me. No one ever will. I told him that day that the insecurity issue is what stands in between us getting married. He said that he thought he'd gotten better. I don't really know if I agree. I think what has really happened is I have modified my behavior to conform more to his liking. He said he would try to change... again. And he cried... again. Yeah. My ex-husband did the same thing too. I know better.

So right now I have to decide what to do about this. I am thrilled that I finally have a co-parent. But a manipulating controlling one? That's what I am un-happy about. Well, now I have to go because he just called and I have to hurry this up. Because some things just won't change!

My Girls

I am still new to this blog thing, and I have just attempted to upload a picture...
Today is not turning out like I wanted it to. Here was the plan: we were going to get the atlas out, and drive to another neighboring county, find a small town we haven't been to since we were kids, attempt to locate a little cafe' for a leisurely lunch, and maybe I could browse an antique store, and maybe he could peruse a junkyard or two for VW parts. But he just got called into work and it may take a couple hours he said. Oh well. I'm not too upset. I am completely alone and LOVING IT. Just me and the puppy on my lap and a great Parliament song playing in the background, Mothership Connection. Speaking of great songs, I just watched a GREAT concert movie on Black Starz the other night. Sign 'O' The Times. I had read before that some critics believe that it is Prince's best album.
I'VE GOT SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY... MY GIRLS!