Should Old Aquaintance Be Forgot... (This Title Has Nothing To Do With A Best Of 2006 Post, But It Is New Years EVE!

I have decided to recap the entire blog year by awarding my favorites with a special mention right here. Not that anybody reads this... but that's okay. It's my life in 2006. It all meant something to me.

I have come across many interesting images this year, but I would have to say that the most arresting one I posted on this blog came from my own living room:



In June of this year, my boyfriend cut part of his finger off in an accident at work. This is what it looked like a few days later when we took the bandage off. Oweee Oweee Ouch Ouch Ouch!

We took two small vacations this year, one to Chicago and one to Branson. Both were great. The recaps were titled We Went To Chicago And IT WAS FABULOUS, and Diamonds And Branson Are Forever. The winner in this category is Chicago because we went without the kids. Here is an excerpt of a special moment:

"We went to The Millenium Park, which was where I wanted to go so badly. It was beautiful, but it was very cold and cloudy and windy. I bet it's wonderful in the summer. I had a very special moment with my man there that day. We were just about to approach the specially designed overpass walkway created by Frank Gehry, and I said to him "I love you. So much." I say this every day as it is, but this time his response was "Really? Because sometimes I can't tell if you do. You get in these bad moods and you get so mean." And that just stopped me in my tracks completely. He was totally right to say that. So then I got to say that I was sorry, and that the bottom line was that having him in my life just made it so much easier to handle. That I finally knew what it was like to have someone help me co-parent these kids, and that there is no one else, and boy do I mean NO ONE else, that loves me as deeply and as passionately as he does. I've found true love before with a few others, but nobody has ever adored me quite like him. So there you have it. Every time I get shitty with him I need to remind myself of this basic fact."

Each month I declare some special guy out there my Dirtbag Of The Month. This has run the gamut from Serial Date Rapers, Terrorists, shitty politicians and stupid guests on Dr. Phil. But to whom the honor of Dirtbag Of The Year should be awarded to is a no-brainer. I have often called him the Dirtbag Of Our Lives. Yep, it's none other than my ex-husband. You know, here it is Christmas and we didn't even get a godamned call. I understand if he can't afford presents. Crack is expensive. But a little "Merry Christmas Kids!" would have meant a lot to them.

There seemed to be at least three major themes in my posts (besides what a fucking asshole my ex is). Work, Waiting For The Child Support Check, and My Drinking. So, if I had to pick a favorite I'd say that My Drinking wins The Theme Of The Year. I talked about it a lot but here's the best thing I had to say about it:

"So, today is Thanksgiving. Oh sure, I'm thankful for lots of shit. The obvious things like my family (yawn... hee hee hee) and that I have a job (double yawn), but how bout I mention a trivial little inconsequential thing, too before I go? Like, I'm thankful for my Ipod. It is my favorite material possession. When I have a day off and I'm drinking, I listen to some great tunes and I don't think about any depressing shit for about an hour. Yes, I said it. Chuck Klosterman gave me permission to be honest about this. So next Wednesday when I pour the wine, before I take the first sip, I'll dial in a kick ass metal tune from the 80's on the Ipod, and give a silent toast to Chuck."

I know I'm just an amateur writer, who likes to post shit like this for the pure fun of it, but I came up with some interesting titles this year, and a few were even clever. I've narrowed my favorites down to two: When Your World Is Full Of Strange Arrangements, and The Curse Of The Lightweight Pansies. And the Winner IS:

The Curse Of The Lightweight Pansies. Why? Because I made that one up myself. The other one is a lyric from a song by ABC.

I saw hundreds of movies this year. And oh man, is this one gonna be a tough one to decide. Which one wins Best Picture? And who was Best Actor? I'm thinking, I'm thinking... Okay, I've got it narrowed down to three: Hustle And Flow, Wallace And Grommit The Curse Of The Wererabbit , and Jackass Number Two. Let's eliminate Jackass Number Two first. Even tho I laughed so hard I cried, it's disgusting. I mean come on, who makes a beard out of pubic hair and glues it to their friend's face? Brilliant, but so WRONG! I felt like the world's worst mother for dragging my kids to see that in the theater. They LOVED IT. Needless to say, I didn't take them to see Borat. All right, I've made my decision... And the Winner Is:

Wallace And Grommit The Curse Of The Wererabbit! Don't get me wrong, Hustle And Flow moved me deeply. Here's what I had to say about it in March:


"Best Movie I Saw This Week: I saw quite a few. But the one that really sticks in my mind as the most compelling was Hustle And Flow. I just thought that movie was great. Terrence Howard gave and absolutely stellar performance. In almost every good or even mediocre film you forget it's a movie at some point and get sucked into the story. But sometimes you REALLY forget it's just a movie when the actors just completly embody their roles and I could totally see and feel Mr. Howard as "You Know It's Hard Out There For A Pimp" D-Jay. My only complaint and it's a minor one, is that Taryn Manning is too pretty to be convincing enough as a twenty dollar Ho. I wanted so desperately for those characters to rise above their squalid circumstances that I rooted and cheered for them as they went thru the process of making those songs and wished and hoped right along with them until the semi-tragic ending where D-Jay is involved in a shooting and ends up in jail. I was totally devastated (and it just goes to show you how we as a movie audience whole expect nothing less than a happy feel good ending) and wasn't satisfied at all with that. I just started yelling "Oh Why, Why WHY!!!? Like I said, I was totally sucked in by this. Terrence Howard is nominated for an Academy Award and I want him to win. It will go to a gay cowboy or Johnny Cash, but you never know, he just might "Whoop That Trick" after all."

But the life of a pimp on the mean streets of Memphis just ain't my life at all, so that's why I'm giving the award to Wallace And Grommit. Not that this animated movie set in England is my life either, but here's what I had to say about it:


"Best Movie I Saw This Week: Wallace And Grommit And The Curse Of The Wererabbit. This movie was rated G (I think) and I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a while. How could a dog, a claymation dog, steal the scene every time? Grommit doesn't talk (which makes sense because dogs don't) but the expressions on his face say it all. This movie had several themes that were just great. One is the humane and ethical treatment of animals and hunting is bad. Which is all right but I don't subscribe to that 100 percent. The other, which I do subsribe to fully is that of making a big deal out of something that might seem important on the surface but really is not. Like the townspeople in this movie are all hyped up about growing the biggest vegetables so they can win a golden carrot at the fair. But The Wererabbit ate all of them, so the town was in a tizzy. Nobody mentioned that by losing their vegetables somebody would starve, so was it really important that a giant carrot was gone?"

So who wins Best Actor, eh? I have two nominees: Allesandro Nivaro for his roles in Junebug and Laurel Canyon (this is based on movies I SAW this year, NOT movies that came out this year) and Peter Sarrsgard in Kinsey and Jarhead. The answer boils down to who is more fuckable I'm afraid and jeez... they both SO ARE!

But Peter Sarrsgard wins by a hair. Why? Because the characters he played in both movies were actual real people. I'm a fanatic for non-fiction. His "Troy" in Jarhead was my absolute favorite.

Music IS MY LIFE. Okay, so sometimes I think that Target is my life, but really music is the tonic that refreshes my soul (What? Did you expect me to say alcohol? I'd give that up before I gave music up, put please, oh please don't make me do that!). There were a couple of bands that were given more than one mention here this year. Nine Inch Nails and The White Stripes. So which is The Best Band I Heard, and what is The Best Song? Hmmm... That's tough. I saw Nine Inch Nails in concert and it was the best show I saw. But nothing puts a smile on my face like a White Stripes song can (well, ok, I can think of something ELSE that can, but we aren't talking about that!)

The Winner Is... The White Stripes. Because even tho the Nine Inch Nails show was AWESOME, I don't dig every single song in their catalog like I do the The White Stripes.

And The Best Song Award Goes To: Going In The Right Direction by Robert Randolph. It's a straight up gospel tune and it's fabulous. Here's a sample of the lyrics:


2. Now I’ve found
The road I need to travel down
I don’t know what tomorrow brings
Day by day with you I’ll do the same thing
I’m so glad I’m standing on my own two feet
No more running into that dead end street

Books are a big part of my life too. I have to have a book to currently read. I just have to. I need to give a special shout out to Vanity Fair. It is my all time favorite mag. When I don't have a book, I'm reading that. So, like the other categories in this post, I've got it narrowed down to two for Best Book I Read. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, and Jarhead by Anthony Swofford. Both moved me to tears. But I guess that The Glass Castle wins this one. Because I can relate more to the story. Not that I had an impoverished childhood like she did, but the not fitting in part and the weirdo parents. That I know. Here's what I had to say about it in March:


"Best Book I Read This Week: There are a couple. I just finished The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. Fabulous. It's the story of a woman who grows up heart-breakingly impoverished in a falling-down shack with no electricity and no working toilet or bath. Her mother has a teaching degree but only works sporadically and her father is a raging alcoholic. A fiercly intelligent one, but still an abhorrently bad boozer. She rises above it all, of course and moves to New York City and becomes a journalist. Good For Her."

So, what was the Best Thing That Happened To Me This Year? I promise this is the last category and then I'm done. Sure I could try to think of the Worst, but nah, I wanna end this with the Best. Ok... I GOT IT! This is actually the Best Thing That Happened To MY OLDEST SON, but as his mother, it is the best blessing I could have received. His health has been fairly good this year. No hospitalizations (!) and he will aften go WEEKS at a time without even needing oxygen. I miss him terribly and anxiously look forward to each time I get to visit him in the Home. They really do seem to love him there, but then again, I knew that they would. I am so thrilled that he continues to be happy and healthy.

I haven't thought about making any New Years Resolutions. I'm not quitting smoking. I would like to lose about twenty pounds, but it's not absolutely necessary that I do. I'm sure I need to be a better mother/girlfriend/employee, but doesn't every woman think that? Nah. I'm going to stay right here and keep writing. Keep letting everyone (well, actually NO ONE) know what's on my mind.

After all, I did turn 37 a few days ago. Have I not earned that right?

Having To Go To Work Today At 4AM Sucks! Happy New Year!

Is it just me, or is Sam Champion a much much better weatherman and overall person than Mike Barz? I never really did like him. He reminds me of the stupid frat boys I used to know in college (I'll be writing more on that subject in a bit). It looks like Good Morning America has relegated Mr. Barz to barely once a week on air time with far away from New York assignments. Today he is at a military base in Georgia, and his segment is on at 8:45. He's in the tenth circle of hell for major news network guys who used to be on at 7:08 every day. What did he do, I wonder to get that kind of demotion?

Because I work at Target, I fucking hate Christmas. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus. And that's a good thing (yawn), but because I have now worked various retail jobs for over six years now, I will give myself permission to be a scrooge. For every one person who is an asshole to me in the store, there are five people who are incredibly nice and understanding and don't hold it against me personally if we don't have anymore Nintendo DS Lite's in stock. So I guess I can't complain too much. And the added stress level that accompanies a retail worker this time of year cannot compare to the stress level that goes with a person who has your chest open, your beating heart pulsing in their hand, and is valiantly trying to patch it up, but THOSE PEOPLE don't make SEVEN DOLLARS AN HOUR, and there are days that I swear to God I don't make enough money to put up with this BULLSHIT!

I didn't have any special holiday plans. We went to the Home on Saturday to see my oldest son and gave him his presents. The actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was split between my folks and my boyfriends's folks. Just like it always is. Maybe one day we can try to plan a vacation at Christmas, like Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis did in Christmas With The Kranks and decide to cancel Christmas like they did, only to reinstate it at the last minute. I dunno. It's all I could stand to just get thru this one, let alone even try to THINK about future Christmases.

Best Movie I Saw This Week:There were several, but let's start with American Dreamz. And can I just say that Hugh Grant is now my most favorite guilty pleasure actor? In my mind he will always and forever be Daniel Cleaver. The guy you KNOW you shouldn't sleep with, but you do anyway, and regret it later, or maybe not regret it at all! There is a Daniel Cleaver is my past, (and I know that most girls have at least ONE skeleton like that) and strangely, I don't regret it. AT ALL. If he called me up today, I'd be happy to chat. Oh I wouldn't fuck him again, don't worry, I've got a great man that I love, but I should hate this "Daniel" for what he did (slept with my best friend at the time and a host of other bad boy antics) and I don't for some reason. Hmmm. Interesting isn't it? Anyway, American Dreamz was a funny and satirical take on American Idol and the media and politics. The President in that movie was clueless and bumbling but portrayed as actually being a really nice guy caught in the wrong job. The similarities between this character and our real president were absolutely meant to be real, but George W. Bush in real life isn't that much of a sweetheart. Every press conference I see on TV (like the one yesterday) he comes across as snarky in my opinion. It's painful to watch. But the bright side of this movie is that Hugh Grant, in a blatant imitation of Simon Cowell, is iminently more fuckable than that asshole!

I also watched Pride And Predjudice. The newest one. Oh man did I love this movie! Talk about fuckable! Just like Lizzie, you hate Mr. Darcy in the beginning but love him in the end, and after it was over, I leaned over to my boyfriend and said "Is it all right if I call you Mr. Darcy for the rest of the nite?" Ooh! That brings me to the last film I want to talk about which is Cool Hand Luke. We watched this last nite. Sigh. Oh Paul Newman, you adorable scamp, you! With a body that looked carved in stone to match... How could you not love this rascal in the movie? But that's just it: you know you shouldn't fall in love with somebody like that either, and you do, anyway. The guys in his bunker did, that's for sure. And in the end, The Man killed him because he escaped prison something like four times and they kept catching him. Sad, but this was the kinda movie where you knew that something like that was going to happen anyway.

Best Song I Heard: Red Light Special by TLC. Come to my door, take off your clothes, and turn on the red light... I hadn't heard this song in ages, but it popped up on my Ipod the other day, and I totally got into it. As I was washing dishes and/or cooking in the kitchen and drinking St. James Wine (jeez, it tastes just like grape juice, seriously) I had to drop the green and yellow scrubber and sing along as loudly as I could:

I'm a woman
A real woman
I know just what I want
I know just who I am

Book I'm Reading This Week: Pledged by Alexandra Robbins. Okay, so it's not a historically important work of non-fiction like The River Of Doubt, but it is a book about the secret life of Sororities. There is an entire Prologue in the book about the backlash that Ms. Robbins received after it's first printing, where she feels the need to defend herself. First of all, I don't think she really needs to do that because she can write whatever she wants to write, and second, I don't think she paints a picture that is all that bad of what that kind of life is all about. Oh sure, there's the required tales of eating disorders, drinking and drug use, catty bitchy fighting, and the spoiled rich girls and their materialism (and even blatant racism sometimes) but who didn't already know this? I think that this book is really a lot tougher on the MEN. The date-rapers and the cheaters and the I'll call you tommorrow and then you don't hear from him types and the commitment phobics she portrays here are what's the most interesting to me. But not because this is something new to me either, but with the possible exception of Tom Wolfe's book I Am Charlotte Simmons, I haven't read anything that skewers these assholes quite so succinctly!

Top News Story: Britney Spears is gonna tell ALL to Vanity Fair soon! Yeah I know I could talk about the war or politics, but eh! I've got more to say on this topic, and I know I'm not alone on this one. More people read Perez Hilton than Abcnews.com, probably. Plus Vanity Fair is my mag, and I'll be one of the first to get my hot little hands on it. I'll tell you what I like about her: I don't think she tries to be anything other than herself. She's a what you see is what you get celebrity and I don't think there's many of those out there today. She absolutely follows her own rules ( I can be pregnant out to here with my belly sticking out of my shirt and hot pants and wear Uggs and have a cigarette dangling in my right hand and I don't give a shit what you say, I think I'm COOL). Do I think she's dumb? Yeah, but so what. I 100 percent feel sorry for her. She picked the absolute worst kind of man to marry and the whole world knew it except for her. I know what that's like. Now, this dirtbag is trying to get as much money as he can out of her. Ick. So she is going on the offensive and telling all to Vanity Fair.

I survived Christmas. Barely. Today is the wretched day after. A retail hell day if there ever was one. As I sit here to finally finish this post, it's only 2:30 in the morning. I mean, jeez, I only gotta be at work today at 4! Do you know what my bitchy 11 year old daughter said to me after we had finished opening presents yesterday? "Oh mom, are you heartbroken that he didn't give you a ring this year?" Well, no, I'm not heartbroken. A little disappointed maybe, but not heartbroken. I can live with whatever happens. If we get married, great, if not that's all right too. Is it normal to feel this ambivalent?

This year had a lot of highs and lows, and I look forward to going thru all of it in my next post to give you a play by play. I can do that because of the wonder that is this blog. Till next time... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Difference Between Fantasy And Reality Bites

Remember a few posts back when I said I wanted to be HER I grew up?

Well, this picture of Jennifer Garner is actually the real me, on any given day! Minus the baby backpack... of course.

All The Hurts We Carry

I know what I want to bitch about today... About how on Monday nite, I wanted to go out to dinner with a few friends from work, and I thought that maybe FINALLY my terminally insecure boyfriend would not create a mini-drama right before hand or during my abscence, but of course at this point, it would seem really weird if he didn't. He did not disappoint. I could go into the details, but I've talked about this shit before on here, and I feel the need for a new topic.

No, I need to talk about my middle child, however painful this might be. Why is it painful? Because it's making me think about my own childhood, and I don't wanna go there. Ever. (Thank You St. James Winery for making a overly sweet product that is very easy to guzzle and not just sip. I'll be with you shortly!) She decided that it would be all right to take my Ipod to school with her. When I make that statement, it doesn't seem so bad, but think about it: my boyfriend paid 300 dollars for it last Christmas. It is my favorite possession. OF ALL TIME. If she lost it, broke it, or it got stolen, I couldn't just go run right out and get another to replace it. But she KNEW it was NOT the right thing to do. I let the kids listen to it when they are here at home whenever the want to, but that's where it ends.

So why does it remind me of childhood? It sounds like something I would have done when I was that age! Except, my parents didn't quite have any toys that were that expensive. But the sneakiness factor. Yeah, I had that. And when I got caught, I was punished pretty severely too. It hurts because I think that my stepdad was more of a dick than he needed to be, but then again, last nite I got so mad at her I threw the remote at the TV and broke it, plus called her a few choice names (not to her face, tho, only after she fled downstairs) I was no better than him when I did that. I grounded my daughter for a week, am making her do the dishes every nite, and the worst thing of all, I am NOT buying her a MP3 player like I planned to for Christmas. And I really wanted her to get that too.

This has got me down because I know what I'm facing for the next seven years. I was that demon child. I was so hoping that we could just avoid that altogether.

Best Movie I Saw: Just Friends. This was not the funniest movie I've ever seen, nor the cleverest, but it wasn't that bad, and there were some great scenes, but the scene stealer wasn't one of the two main stars of the film, Ryan Reynolds or Amy Smart. Nope. It was Anna Faris playing a character named "Samantha James". She is a spoiled self absorbed pop star who is an amalgam of our current crop of singing starlets such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff or Paris Hilton. (Yeah, I can't beleive that Paris Hilton has a record out too, but she actually does!) I will be looking for more films featuring this girl because she is immensely talented. Normally, I would talk a little about the plot or the theme of a film here, but this one is not that hot, so why waste my time trying to explain it to well... nobody actually, because nobody reads this blog anyway. I do it because I have a compulsive need to write a diary and because I like to write. I might not be that great at it, but I enjoy it, so here it is.

Book I'm Currently Reading: The River Of Doubt by Candice Millard. Oh man is this a fabulous book! It's about a river expedition that Theodore Roosevelt and his son along with about thirty other men took down an uncharted river in South America. Here is a sentence I found in a review by Publishers Weekly: "Millard, a former staff writer for National Geographic, nails the suspense element of this story perfectly, but equally important to her success is the marvelous amount of detail she provides on the wildlife that Roosevelt and his fellow explorers encountered on their journey, as well as the cannibalistic indigenous tribe that stalked them much of the way." I'm almost done, and right now in the story, the men are nearing the end. This is such a suspenseful drama that I had to read ahead to find out if they survived or not. I thought to myself "Surely I would have remembered from History Class if they told us that Roosevelt had died in the Rain Forest, wouldn't I?" But I wasn't so sure. This is how harrowing the story is. They do survive, apparently, but from my sneaked ahead reading of the last chapter, we find out that his son Kermit, who you grow to adore during the book because he seems like he has such a fantastic character, turns into a raging alcoholic, who repeatedly cheats on his long suffering wife (which by the way, the book lovingly accounts for us their initial courtship)and KILLS HIMSELF while on a military post in Alaska. This is what I get for cheating by reading the end before I'm done with the book.

Best Song I Heard This Week: Since a great portion of my day is spent making signs in the back room, I am treated to the radio and various different stations, depending on who was there last. I heard a great song called "Pain" by Three Days Grace. Here's Why:

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Now, this is about S&M, but it's about more than that in my mind. Some of us carry around more hurt than others. And we can accept this and know that instead of numbing yourself, you can let it out of yourself, and nothing let's it out better than moaning in pain and ecstacy. It's more eloquently stated than "I wanna fuck you like an animal" don't you think?

Top News Story: Well, for us and the rest of the Midwest, we had a HUGE STORM last week. Over a foot of snow. I kind of secretly like the snow. It just seems too weird to be 60 degrees in the middle of winter like it has been for the last few years. It was weird (although I certainly had no complaints) when I lived in Florida and it's weird in the Midwest. But we are dug out and the roads are plowed, and life is going on, especially for the shoppers at my store, as we all collectively tear our hairs out trying to accomodate them.

I'm not sure how I want to end this post... I could talk about a few different recurring themes that constantly pop up here in my diary, such as... Like the co-worker whose husband completely ABANDONED her a few months ago, she with their two kids and ONE ON THE WAY, but not before he took out all of their furniture and cleaned out her bank account. She hadn't heard from him at all in weeks and all of a sudden he text messages her today and tells her that he has been in the hospital with a blood clot for a week and suddenly misses her and the kids. Yeah because he's FUCKIN SOBER NOW that's why! (Recurring Theme: Dirtbag Drug Addict Ex-Husbands) Or I could talk about how I don't know what to do with my daughter now, and my anxiety about the future. (Recurring Theme: Shitty Childhood- but this is not as recurring as the first) Or I could conclude this post with thoughts about why I had to leave dinner with my work friends early due to the fact that my boyfriend had a problem AND MR. "I CAN FIX ANYTHING" SUDDENLY COULDN'T PUT ANTIFREEZE IN HIS OWN DAMN CAR WITHOUT ME BEING THERE (Recurring Theme: Insecure Boyfriend) but well, why beat a dead horse?

NEIGH!