Why Not Just Break The Godamned Cycle?

I am going to hold off for just a few more days before I post my "Dirtbag Of The Month". Oh it's definetly going to be my ex-husband if this god-forsaken child support check does not come thru. It's been over a month since I have been writing about the anticipation of it. Last week, he called and said some bullshit about how he got hurt at work and is expecting some sort of settlement check from Workmen's Comp or Liberty Mutual Insurance depending on which conversation you want to cull that info from and then we should get part of it. Fine. Great. If it's true, which if this asshole is your primary source, then there's a 80 percent chance it's all a big fat LOAD OF UTTER BULLSHIT. However we can hold on to that slim little 20 percent that it might be true, so for now, he is NOT my Dirtbag Of The Month just yet. Oh, what does it matter anyway? I've said it before, he will always be The Dirtbag Of Our Lives, but for now, we still wait... ever so patiently... I will give it a week. Max. One week. If there is no check, and I really don't give a shit if he calls again and says it's on it's way, he is the Dirtbag Of The Month.

Oh, and I also mentioned to my mother that I thought that my sister was too thin. She made light of it and said "Oh, she's just trying to eat healthy, because she wants the baby to get used to eating vegetables." BUUUUUUUUUUUULL CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP. There's nothing "healthy" about weighing 80 pounds, unless you are eight years old and under five feet tall. She's five three. But this is typical Mom. If my sister had told her she was becoming a lesbian or an atheist (or both), now THAT would be a cause for concern and THAT would get her attention.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Man On The Moon. I don't know why critics panned this movie because it was fabulous. I hadn't seen it in years. It's so good, that even after all these years I still remembered most of the great parts. The movie was so perfectly cast with Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman. In the last half of the movie, Andy starts his wrestling phase, and I think that's a perfect metaphor for his comedy. Wrestling is violent and confrontational. It's shocking and crass. And it's all a big put-on. You know when you see it, it's not real... or is it? Two weeks ago we saw Jackass Number Two. Talk about shocking and crass! Oh I could go on all day about why the concept behind this show is so wrong and so right (it's "Let's be as disgusting and stupid as we can possibly be and call it funny"). And you would think that by that last statement I hated this movie. But I LOVED IT. Drinking horse semen? Making a pubic hair beard for your friend who has no idea that it's that? Letting your friend brand your ass cheek with a penis symbol? People don't get any more obscene than that. Awesome. We also watched the ATL last nite. I have mixed feelings about this movie. Maybe I was thinking it was gonna be like The Wire. The ghetto kids on that show seem like they are so lost and it's already permanent and they have no hope. Their life is nothing but heartache and violence. But the kids in ATL weren't ghetto kids, but more like black working-class. Drug sales were only a minor theme, while hanging out at a local skating rink was a more major one (like Roll Bounce, which was a much better movie by the way). This is great, but how real is it? There was very little cussing and very little sex in this movie. That's not really how these kids talk or act is it? Nah... So while it was entertaining, the ATL, I don't think, was very realistic.

But what the hell do I know? I grew up in a middle class home in a small midwestern town. So what do I know about life in the ATL?

Book I'm Reading This Week: Running With Scissors and Dry, both by Augusten Burroughs. I bought and read Dry a few months ago, but the book he wrote before that was Runinng With Scissors. What made it special for me was that after reading Scissors, Dry made more sense. This guy had a truly strange upbringing. Crazy bitch for a mother, alcoholic Dad, and that doesn't make the story special because a lot of people can relate to that, but how many kids get sent to live with their mother's crazy psychiatrist and his family? Then in Dry he chronicles his struggle with alcoholism. Which I find more interesting. Out of all the things I've read, I think that this is the one of the best overall accounts of somebody's use and recovery. He is able to say things that a lot of alcoholics and addicts feel but can't always verbalize. It made me realize something very important. Number One: I'm not an alcoholic. But I think like one. Some of the internal mind processes are present in my own. That craving and longing for it. I have that. I don't long to be drunk. I just long to be altered. You know, not drunk, but not entirely sober either. So this means I have to always be vigilant and keep a good eye on myself. I can't ever see myself downing a fifth of Dewars every night like Augusten, but then again, when he started drinking I'll bet he couldn't see himself doing that either. And he just slid, down that really slippery slope. Scary.

Best Song I Heard This Week: Twenty Years And Two Husbands Ago by Lee Ann Womack. This song has been out for awhile but I made myself a mix CD to listen to in the car and this is on it. Country Music has created a little niche for women my age and older and this is mostly a good thing. It gets a little overbearing sometimes, and Lord help you if you have PMS and listen to Country Radio all day. You might as well bring a big box of hankies with you. But songs like this are special. Here's my favorite part:

Driving the kids to school today, it occurred to me
With all the wrong turns I've made,
I'm where I should be
But I go back there from time to time
Lookin' for that peace of mind,
And find it's always just a dead-end road
Yeah that was twenty years and, two husbands ago


Current Sewing Project: Yes! I'm sewing again! It's a gypsy costume for my daughter.

Top News Story: There's two. First, a congressman by the name of Mark Foley has been caught sending raunchy Emails to a 16 year old male Page. What pisses me off even more than that he actually sent emails like that, is that when the shit hit the fan, he immediately checked himself into rehab. Now they said today on the news that he had been molested by a priest when he was a kid. I'm truly sorry that this happened to him, but why not just break THE GODAMNED CYCLE! Why not just say "I'm a representative in congress and I have no business trying to get into a teenage boy's pants, so I WON'T. If I want some company, I should date a grown man instead." And to go hide in rehab instead of face the music and own up to what he did is cowardly. Which is what all child molesters are anyway. Cowards. They are too chicken shit to have a relationship with an adult.

Also, some Dirtbag walked into an Amish school and shot and killed five little girls. Again, it's surfaced that he molested kids in the past. So, don't still be a moron and go kill kids in a school and turn the gun on yourself! I don't get this at all. It's always boys or men that do this. Fuckin' Dirtbags. All of 'em.

So today is Wednesday. I started this post on Saturday and because it's so long, it took me awhile. I was supposed to, according to my ex-husband, get the child support check on Saturday. I said I'd give it a week. Now he's got four more days to make good. Actually, now that I think about it, if he was telling the truth, why wouldn't he have called me by now to make sure I got it. I mean, he made such a big deal last week, calling and calling about this stupid check. And now this week, not a single call. Sigh. See, now I long for a drink! I'm upset and I just don't want to feel it! The best thing to do is fight this feeling, but today you know I won't. Today is my day off and you know that at lunch time, you'll see a glass of chardonnay in my hand. I won't be drunk today. Don't worry. But this is exactly what I was talking about earlier.

Sigh, Indeed...

Don't Laugh, It Could Happen!

It's Wednesday and it's my blessed day off! Most people like me who work crappy retail jobs don't get a set schedule where they get only day hours and the same days off every week like I do, so I'm really lucky for that. You know what's kinda depressing? As soon as Halloween is over, all the leftover Halloween shit is moved to a corner and Christmas crap is put out. They've already sent me some of the display signs. Sigh.

Life is still good and copacetic. Ooh! We had a fabulous day last Saturday! We went to see my oldest son in the Home, and he was awake and alert and happy. I think he got a big kick out of my boyfriend's tall green mohawk. But before we went there, we went to a little Greek place to eat. Now we've been there a few times before and the food's pretty good, but my one complaint is that they don't serve Greek salad (how can a Greek place not have salads with feta cheese?) or Turkey Lemon Soup. The owner's wife and his daughters are absolutely gorgeous and it's so not fair. Then we went next door to what I know is basically a head shop but with really cool skateboards and CD's and posters. My boyfriend bought a Direnger CD which is a band we saw a few weeks ago at the Korn Family Values show. After our wonderful visit with my son we went to a carnival. Oh how I love a small town carnival! It was everything you'd expect. There were 4H cows and sheep. Politicians handing out bumper stickers urging you to vote for them for state representative. Lemon Shake Up's. Tattoed and Toothless carnies. And my favorite, the loud speakers behind the Scrambler playing ACDC (YES!!!!!!! Would it be a carnival without You Shook Me All Night Long blaring from the Midway?)?

Best Movie I Saw: The World's Fastest Indian. I purchased this movie on On Demand for the sole reason that I knew my boyfriend would dig it. I wanted him to get involved with actually watching a movie with me instead of just lying there in bed next to me with his laptop looking at page after stupid fucking page of cars and car parts on Ebay. It worked. He watched the whole thing with me. This is a true story about a man from New Zealand who wanted to set a land speed record at the Bonneville Salt Flats with his 1920 Indian motorcycle in the 1960's. And of course he did. The theme of course is that you need to take risks and don't let anyone stand in the way of your dreams. Kinda blah. But always inspiring.

Best Song I Heard This Week: Sexyback by Justin Timberlake. I know. There's not much substance there. In fact, I downloaded the whole album and I'm a little dissapointed because I thought that his first album was a lot better. Why? Because the overall theme here seems to be "you're a hot chick in this club and I'm taking you home". And that's all right but almost every stinkin song is about that? That doesn't win any awards with me. However, Sexyback is a cool song. It's almost as cool as In Da Club. Almost.

Book I'm Reading: I'm not. But I did read Vanity Fair. It will always be known as the infamous Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri cover. Yawn. But you know what? He got a lot of flack for jumping the couch on Oprah when he was talking about how much he loved his new girlfriend, but I don't see why that was such a big deal. What's so wrong with doing something crazy like that if you love somebody that much?

Top News Story: Now this is some scary shit: A new Mom was at home one day with her newborn baby and a woman came to the door and asked to use the phone. Then she stabbed the Mom and took the baby. Thankfully the story has a happy ending. The kidnapper has been caught and the baby was returned.

You know, talking about that new Justin Timberlake album has got me thinking... Going home with somebody you meet in a bar is just so empty and depressing. Oh sure, it's fun while you're doing it but afterwards when you know that all it was was just sex and that's it and that guy don't give a shit about you, it's sad. Which is why a monogamous loving relationship is better. I shouldn't say better, because it's really the BEST. After you make love to someone, isn't it the most natural thing in the world to say "I love you"? You can't do that with some lousy one night stand! Sure, maintaining a relationship is very hard, and you gotta put up with a lot of bullshit, and lord knows there are times when I wish everybody would just leave me alone (especially HIM) and go away for like a couple of months or so, but there's no way I'm gonna ever go back to that ole' way of life, even IF Justin Timberlake himself wanted to take me home. Hey, don't laugh. It could happen. His girfriend is about the same age as me!

Hey, Isn't This Cool? Or Wait...Maybe It's Not....

Ok. I just had to comment on this article that I just read in salon.com this morning. It's about a new church in Seattle filled with young people who look like well, people you'd think came from Seattle. Tattoos and mohawks, etc. I'm reading this and I'm thinking "Isn't this cool?" This is not the first time I've seen or heard about a church like this, but I'm still fascinated. However once I got to the part about their church's doctrine concerning women, it stopped me cold. They preach that women should quit their jobs(!), and have as many children as possible. Here I was, reading this and thinking, now here's a church I would like to go to, until I read THAT.

I have to say in all fairness that some women love being stay at home moms. I just know I hated it. But that's because I had a dirtbag husband. I also know that I am a thousand times happier as a single working mother with a partner who also works so we can combine our two incomes to actually make ends meet in this household! And to have a pastor tell it's women to quit their jobs to concentrate on raising kids? What Would Jesus Do? Tell women to get an education, be a moving and shaking contributing member of society, fully utilizing the gifts that He gave her? Or to be simply a breeder?

I have a friend who practices Wicca. I asked her why. She said that it's because she wanted no part of a religion that repressed women. Now don't worry. I'm not about to start casting a spell anytime soon, but she does have a point that's worth pondering. But this is why I have told my own daughter two very important things: number one is to always have a job, whether you have kids or not, and don't worry about what other people try to tell you about religion, just concentrate on how you feel about God and be at peace with that.

The Curse Of The Lightweight Pansies

And yet still... we wait. For the Child Support Check. It's been exactly 30 days and the letter says it takes up to thirty of forty days to get it. That is, IF WE GET IT. Oh, I do indeed have special plans for that money and it involves something fantastic for the kids, but I won't reveal it just yet in case they come across this blog because I want it to be a surprise. But I have made a decision about what I want to do with part of it!

Work's going Ok. And life's going OK. Not much drama here, and that's a fabulous thing. Oh! I do need to comment on my sister tho. I saw her last weekend and she is waaaaaay toooooooooo thiiiiiiiiiiiiin. She's 5'3" and she can't weigh over 80 pounds now. My daughter is the same height and she weighs 105 and I think she looks perfect. My aunt made a comment about it (bless her for that, because I knew I wasn't sayin anything) and my sister said she thought she needed to lose more weight! I am going to say something to Mom. But it won't do much good. It's not that my Mom doesn't care, but my Mom just doesn't know how to do something about it. It makes sense to only me but it makes sense. Now, I am going to say some really mean spirited things about my sister but it's my blog, and they are my feelings whether they are nice or not.

Here's what I don't like about her: In a nutshell, she takes after her Dad's side of the family. This is my stepdad we are talking about here, and they are all completely crazy in that family. I don't mean a little goofy or nutty either. I mean, sucidal and neurotic. They are manic-depressives and compulsive hoarders. Now, my sister is not quite that bad... yet. If she has a bona-fide eating disorder than in my opinion she has slipped into their territory of insanity. I know. Mental Illness is an Illness. You can't help it if you are cursed with such an affliction. But my sister has never fought back that hard to conquer it. Which is what I believe you have to do if you have it. If that girl had had even ONE TENTH of the hardships that I have had to face in my life, I believe that she would have been reduced to a pathetic sobbing puddle on the floor, unable to move for the rest of her life. Her response to a personal crisis is usually a suicidal one. Which I have no tolerance for whatsoever. So for her to be literally wasting herself away, some serious shit must be going down in her life and somebody needs to talk about it.

There. I said it. I know it's mean. I don't care.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Wallace And Grommit And The Curse Of The Wererabbit. This movie was rated G (I think) and I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a while. How could a dog, a claymation dog, steal the scene every time? Grommit doesn't talk (which makes sense because dogs don't) but the expressions on his face say it all. This movie had several themes that were just great. One is the humane and ethical treatment of animals and hunting is bad. Which is all right but I don't subscribe to that 100 percent. The other, which I do subsribe to fully is that of making a big deal out of something that might seem important on the surface but really is not. Like the townspeople in this movie are all hyped up about growing the biggest vegetables so they can win a golden carrot at the fair. But The Wererabbit ate all of them, so the town was in a tizzy. Nobody mentioned that by losing their vegetables somebody would starve, so was it really important that a giant carrot was gone?

Book I'm Reading This Week: The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. I've read this before and I've commented on this before. I was so broke I had to pull down old books off the shelf instead of buy a new one.

Best Song I Heard: We went to the Korn Family Values Concert two weeks ago. I loved it! But listening to music like that for ten hours straight has is pitfalls. For one, I felt like my cage was thouroghly rattled. It is SO LOUD it vibrates your ribcage and your poor liver is doing it's best to process all that beer and it's getting all shook up too. Bands like Deadsy, Flyleaf, Bury Your Dead, Direnger, and Stone Sour were there. But my personal fave was Ten Years. Wasteland (Good Intentions) was a STANDOUT and my favorite moment of the whole day. I want to say that Korn was the highlight, but sadly for me, we had to LEAVE before they finished because my boyfriend started getting sick! This was the whole reason I wanted to come here! To see Korn! And lightweight pansyboy can't hold his liquor anymore! Sigh. Oh well. I still had a FUCKIN BLAST.

Top News Story: The Crocodile Hunter died this week of a stingray attack. That's the big story. Oh, and CNN will re-broadcast it's news coverage of 9/11 on the fifth anniversary of 9/11 which is this Monday. I have to work all day, but I wish I could watch. Is that wrong? I have to ask myself, is it because I want to remember, or because it's like the car wreck you can't stop staring at?

I love Bill Maher and his show. Interestingly, my ultra-conservative mother had just one comment about him: He's too mean. She's right. He is too mean, Even I think that! But I was shocked that she didn't say that he was evil and what's wrong with this country, etc. But anyway, of all people, Rob Thomas of overrated or underrated depending on your opinion, 90's band Matchbox 20 (which I always liked by the way, but you can only take them in small doses because the lyrics are all so depressing!)said the BEST THING last nite. When talking about the Iraq war he said something like this: Let's say somebody has a really dirty house and it's your job to clean it. You can take one look at it and decide that it's too messed up and walk away. Or you can decide that it's too dirty to work on, but you take their cable and plumbing and then walk away. And Bill said: That's a great analogy of Hitler's fascism too! Funny. And Sad, But True.

And with this segue, I will be making my last comment of this post. I think Magni should win RockStar Supernova. He's the best, and has been since day one.