Dirtbag Of The Month

After giving this matter some careful thought, I have chosen this month's Dirtbag Of The Month. His name is Carl. He was a guest last week on Dr. Phil. The title of the show was "You're Not Hot Enough". He claimed to be disgusted by his wife's body. Ok, now she did have a lot of cellulite going on down there on her thighs, truth be told, but that doesn't make her a hideous woman. In fact, she has a very beautiful face, and she seems like a nice person. She feels so bad about it that they don't have sex and she won't let him see her naked anymore. Now I know that us women are our own worst enemies when it comes to body-image, and a man could tell us a thousand times that we are beautiful and we won't believe it, we still hate our thighs and wish we had perfect breasts and no stretch marks, but to let a man REINFORCE that idea is RIDICULOUS!!!!! It sickened me to see that show! I would NEVER let a man make me feel that way about something as stupid as jiggly thighs. I say, let the Cindy Crawfords and Pam Anderson's of this world worry about looking perfect, and leave me out of it.

Let's face it. I'm five foot nine, I weigh 160 pounds, I'm 36 years old, and I've had three kids. I don't work out and I don't plan to start. I ate tacos for lunch and I'm eating steak for supper, and right now I'm sipping a nice cold Heineken. I don't have a perfect body, nor do I care about obtaining one. I have a great sex life in part because I'm not worried about what I look like naked. If my boyfriend wanted to ditch me for somebody skinnier, then it would be his loss.

You know what Carl's wife needs to do? She needs to strip down naked in the middle of the afternoon, when the sun is at it's brightest in the house, and command that man to downright WORSHIP every inch of her skin, touch it, kiss it, inhale it. And if he's grossed out? Well... Since she's been on National Television, and a lot of single men have seen how beautiful she really is, she shouldn't have any problem finding a man who would do that mid-afternoon thing I just mentioned... AND THEN SOME! And then, well, I guess it would be... his loss!

And because he is that much of a stupid asshole, he is my DIRTBAG OF THE MONTH!

I'm Sure I Sound Like A Broken Record Now

If I haven't already said it before (oh who am I kidding, I'm sure I have) MY JOB SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so it wasn't quite the disaster it was two weeks ago, and I knew it wouldn't be, and I actually got about two hous of sleep last night, so that means I was stressed mediumly and not maximally freaked-the-fuck-out like last time, but I hate it. I. Officially. Hate. My. Job. I had serious thoughts about finding another one this morning while I was putting up the 67th 3x2 sign for Just One Year Infant Sleep 'n' Plays. I am now patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop. The dreaded coaching session. My yearly review is coming up shortly, and I could probably write it better than they could. I know exactly where I fall short. I want to fix it. I want to do a fantastic job, and I work my damn butt off, this is no delusion of grandeur, I really do work very hard, but the task they want me to complete feels so insurmountable.

Sigh.

I am so happy that Spring is here. It feels fantastic! Being in the hot tub is great because it's not so damn cold when you are traveling back and forth. Don't need a coat in the morning. Longer walks with the dog. Smoking on the porch is less abrasive to the senses. Soccer games and picnics. I'm going to plant flowers later today after lunch and before my nap.

The last thing I want to touch on before I get into the movies, books and music that I'm currently listening to, is my oldest son. I'm worried. I feel so bad for him because he is just chronically ill all the time now. This isn't anything new really. It's just that before, he would get better for awhile before he got sick again. Now, it's a great day if he doesn't need oxygen, and he's having less of those days than before. When I went to the Home last week he seemed genuinely happy to see me, which just really makes my day. I always tell him "Honey, if you just give me one little smile then I'll be happy for the rest of the day!" And most of the time he does just that. Bless his little heart. He's still hangin' in there, but my fear is that he can't do that forever.

Book I'm Reading Currently: I haven't read a book this week. I did finish the current Vanity Fair. The best article in it was one about Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary and how he was just a great big doofus, totally inept and clueless (Scott, I know just how you feel, but somehow I think you make more than 7 dollars an hour) and then this week I saw on CNN that he resigned. I guess I have to console myself with the fact that there will never be a scathing article written about me in a major publication that ultimately gets me fired and then it's broadcast for the whole world to see.

Best Album I Listened To: I don't have a specific album I listened to, but I did download "I Heard It Thru The Grapevine" by The Kaiser Chiefs (among many many other songs, but this one is my new current fave) it sounds like The Clash doing Marvin Gaye and it's a quirky, kicky rockin' little ditty, which gets bonus points for being a great remake and a song you know all the words to. Also, I saw Rob Zombie and Lacuna Coil in concert last week. It was all right. It didn't blow me away like Nine Inch Nails did, but I had a good time. I think that Lacuna Coil was actually more interesting. And they were the opening act.

Best Movie I Saw: Vanity Fair. I've been meaning to see this and I finally did! This was great. I know that the perception of Becky Sharp (played to perfection by Reese Witherspoon) is supposed to be that she is a ruthless social climber, this movie is sympathetic to her and she is very likable. So, I really want to read this book to see what the author's original interpretation is.

Current Sewing Project: I'm still on that Vogue dress. I just need to put the zipper in and it's getting me frustrated, but I'm not giving up.

Big News Story: Tornadoes. Last week Iowa City was hit pretty good. During that storm, we had to sit down in the basement among the mildewy piles of old laundry and cat box smell with the radio broadcasting no commercials, no songs, just the two radio news guys in this town (Brad Benowitz and Will Stevenson) blathering on and on about how the twister was headed this way.Scary. My town was spared, with just a little hail damage. But in some parts of the county there were roofs blown off barns, and a few days later going down Highway 97 I saw lots of scrap metal and debris in the fields.

If I got another job, what would it be? There was a HELP WANTED sign at a gas station that I saw this morning. So if I worked there, I could make 7 dollars an hour and be at risk for a hold up. Sheesh! I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

Is This The Price Of Carousing?

I mean, I know that celebs are usually photoshopped and airbrushed within an inch of their lives and we don't have a clue about what they REALLY look like, but this is a truly horrible picture of Kate Moss. She doesn't look like a model, she looks like a middle aged carnival worker. Kids, let this be a cautionary tale. Debauchery can feel terrific, but all that fun comes with a price.

Why Can't You Set Your Monkey Free?

George Michael has DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!! My musical idol,one of the best songwriters out there today and one of the finest artists of his generation, has once again fucked up royally. He smashed into a few parked cars outside his house in London at 8 AM, (and seriously, I doubt he was just waking up and going out to get a paper and donuts) and as he was trying to flee the scene, he crashed into MORE cars along the way. He's not in trouble with the police, because I'm sure he can afford to pay everybody off and then some, but George, didn't we have this conversation a few weeks ago? Didn't I tell you that you were officially "TOO DAMN OLD FOR THIS SHIT" (see a former post)?

Weekly Onion Horoscope

CAPRICORN IS ALWAYS SO FRICKIN LAME!!!!!!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.

Here's a better one:

Your Birthday Today

Friends and family members will gather tonight to commemorate the day you were born, much as they'll gather a week from now to commemorate the day you died.

Now this one is priceless.

Spring Is Here! Yippee!

We just got back from soccer practice and Sofie sure did have a fabulous time...

4:06 AM

It is now 4:06 AM on a Sunday morning. I am up this early because I have to be at work at 6. I am waiting for my coffee to brew. I didn't sleep AT ALL last nite. Why? Because I'm so filled with anxiety over my job. What I do is this: It is now my responsibility to get all the sale signs ready to be put up on Sunday mornings. There are literally hundreds of them. If it's not done right, people bitch. All I want is for it to be as close to perfect so I worried about it all nite. All I want is to keep this job, and not be "demoted" back to my old one. I use quotation marks because I still make the same pay. But I get all daytime hours now, which pleases me and family to no end. I was told by a supervisor that he is going to see about getting me a raise. He can't promise anything, but he's going to see. My guess is that It Won't Happen, and my feeling is that I Don't Deserve It Anyway because I'm doing a shitty job as it is. But the bottom line is that I shouldn't be this stressed out over a seven dollar an hour job. I just shouldn't.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Jarhead. I know that Jake Gyllenhall is the lead, and Jamie Foxx is the big movie star, but Peter Skarrsgard is this movie's darling. I guess I was expecting it to be a movie like Saving Private Ryan but from Desert Storm. But everybody in their platoon stayed alive. They had to put up with some shitty things when it got bad there for a few days (like when the oil fields began to burn and it rained oil day and nite) but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might get. This film was more focused on the everyday grind of Marines, specifically ones that are being trained as snipers. The indoctrination. The mind games and the subsequent freak-outs that follow. I thought the Wives And Girlfriends "Wall Of Shame" posted at camp was great. Every time a soldier got a letter saying that he was being cheated on, up went the pictures. I would like to read this book. I want the greater details about everything I just mentioned because this is a true story. There was something enchanting about Peter S as Troy. He was quiet, intelligent and thoughtful, until the moment when he thought he was actually going to kill somebody sniper style and they wouldn't let him do it at the last second and he freaked out and cried like a baby. I kept thinking: Troy, I've seen you naked. You were in a Chicago hotel room getting ready to have sex with Alfred Kinsey.

Best Book I Read This Week: Dry by Augusten Burroughs. I couldn't put this one down. Why? Because it deals with a subject near and dear to me. Drinking. It made me think of how I used to drink before I became a parent and how I drink now. Of course, I drink less now. I couldn't function as a mother or employee if I drank like I did in college. But I still long for complete obliteration sometimes. Good to know from Mr. Burroughs that the feeling never quite goes away. And also good to know that even tho I might drink a bottle of cheap red on my day off, I am not at the point he was when the story began. Perhaps that WOULD have been myself eventually, had I not married the drug addict I did, and became the "almost" responsible parent I am today!

Best Album I Listened To: I listened to the entire "Get Behind Me Satan" CD by The White Stripes while lounging in my hot tub. Fabulous. I needn't say more.

Current Sewing Project: I am working on a Vogue dress. I am halfway thru and I might just have an actual wearable garment this time.

Current News Item: Now they say that George Bush may have actually leaked the Valerie Plame outing to the New York Times and not Scooter Libby. I ALMOST made George Bush my dirtbag of the month, but then that would be less original wouldn't it? Because that's even more of a big DUH than Brian Doyle, the pedophile.

Well, I made it back from work. My self-esteem barely intact, and trust me, it was even worse than I thought it was going to be today, too. So, all that worrying and freaking out all night... was for something worse! However I lived to tell, I am home, and now... I'm going to bed!

Dirtbag Of The Month

This guy works for the Department of Homeland Security. He thought he was chatting online with a 14 year old girl. But in reality he was talking to a sherrif's deputy. They haven't made public exactly what he said to this "girl", but the news paints a pretty sordid picture. He admitted that he knew she was only fourteen (ok, so it was really a middle aged cop, but we're talking hypothetical here). I don't know if this guy is married or not or if he has kids but can't he find some other sleazy scurve his OWN AGE on the internet to talk dirty to and make plans to hook up with and not an underage minor? God, how I hate ASSHOLES LIKE THIS! And for this, (just like they say on Nerve.com's Weekly Scanner) He is MY DIRTBAG OF THE MONTH!