Re: I. Want. To. Shake. Her.

Ok. So this is what I said in June when I heard that the lovely Ms. Nicole Kidman had married hottie country music super star Keith Urban: "Nicole Kidman has married a crackhead. Notice I didn't say "former", because it's my opinion that once a crackhead, always a crackhead. They might stop for awhile, but they don't stop forever."
I
Want
To
Shake
Her!

Now here it is, a quiet fall Saturday morning and I go to dlisted.com and find out that Keith is in rehab! I mean, it's a good thing that he's THERE this morning instead of passed out on the floor of an apartment in the nastiest housing project in Nashville, but did I not TELL you this would happen? I, unfortunately, know a hopeless crackhead when I see one. And in my opinion THEY ARE ALL HOPELESS!

I'm sorry for Nicole. I know what she's feeling right now, and it ain't fun bein in her shoes. I give it six months. He'll get out of rehab next month and be good for about a week. Then he'll be gone all nite, come home feeling all sorry fo himself, beg for forgiveness, sleep for two days straight, then get up and do it all over again. Except instead of Nicole moving out and going back to her parents house, she moves back to L.A. and it's ALL OVER the covers of People and In Touch.

I know I said that I was supposed to get over this shit, and that I suggested to myself that I not talk about it anymore, but I can't help it today. When I hear about shit like this, it brings it all back. Maybe my getting over the past means that I can accept the fact that the memories will always haunt me and that I can't let it rile me up like this. Just breathe in, and tell myself that my life isn't like this anymore and give Thanks to God.

And Stacy.

A Correction... Of Sorts

In my last post I raked my ex husband over the coals and proclaimed him my Dirtbag Of The Month because it had been almost two months since I got a letter from the state saying that I was to start receiving child support again, and he had yet to show me the money! I was convinced that he had lied to us ONCE AGAIN and therefore he was October's Dirtbag.

Well, I did get a letter from the state today saying that indeed he may have been telling the truth after all when he said something about getting a settlement from an insurance company and I should be getting money from that. It may still may take up to 30 to 40 days to get it, and it's only 520 a month (which by the way, if it's an insurance settlement, why can't they just give me the 22,000 that he owes?), but I will stand corrected about the last post.

This does not mean that he is no longer a BULLSHITTING LIAR, as I so fondly called him. That will never change. His Dirtbag Of The Month status will not change either, because I have yet to still receive a check. Plus, he does still owe 22,000 dollars because he hasn't paid since 2003. However, I will say that this is a step in the right direction, and I am surprised by this news. Very surprised.

Even tho Todd is still The Dirtbag Of The Month, I would like to nominate Sara Evan's husband as well. This dirtbag put ads on Craigslist for three-ways, S&M and whatever else he thought he could get away with. I also read that he liked to look at porn on the computer. Now, I think a little porn is all right. I said a LITTLE. I feel secure enough that if my man looks at porn (which I have caught him doing in the past, and I was upset not because he watched it and jacked off, but because those movies on On Demand are 12 dollars a piece and I am the one who pays the cable bill) it doesn't freak me out because I know that he knows that I am the epitome of HOT AND NASTY behind closed doors in our bedroom. Those women aren't "real", and the real live action is right here baby! But if he was really into the whole porn thing and I felt somehow excluded and left out of his fantasies I'd have to toss that bastard to the curb. And the whole posting ads on Craigslist thing? Well, what to do about that is a NO BRAINER.

So, Todd is still The Dirtbag Of The Month, but in all fairness, I had to print a correction... Of sorts.

The Dirtbag Of The Month

I have threatened to do this more than once, but this time I MEAN IT! My ex-husband, Todd Michael Carr is The Dirtbag Of The Month! I gave him more than a month to make good on the apparently empty promise of child support. Wait. I should take that back. If I go on the state's child support website, it says that the last payment I received was on December 24, 2003. TWO THOUSAND THREE. In a few months it will be four years. Four years and over 22,000 dollars.

What I don't understand is why lie? Why call us and lie about it? In the past four years, when he had bothered to call, there were times, I hadn't even mentioned it all. So why, after all this time call us up and be a BULLSHITTING LIAR? Duh! Because this asshole has ALWAYS been a bullshitting liar. I have known this all along, but for some reason, I had a sliver of hope. I really don't know why I did.

You know, I've been divorced now for almost five years, and my life has changed so much for the better. I really do have a great man. I mean that. I do. Most days I like my job (I just wish it paid more), and even tho there might still be just drywall up and no carpet in the upstairs hallway after two years of living here, my life is good. I would like to think that I am totally over the trauma of being married to Todd, but that's not really true. That kind of hellish torture must take more than five years to get over. A co-worker of mine told me this morning that her husband stayed out until 5:30 AM on Sunday, and she had to be at work by 6, and she was worried that he wouldn't make it home in time for her to go to work. They have a little boy. She couldn't leave him there by himself. It brought back a flood of bad memories. I wanted to tell her that I have a couple hundred stories like that. And then I realized that my man now, would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS DO THAT TO ME. So hearing that, just brought it all back. Except, in my story, it wasn't 5:30 AM. It was coming home after a week long crack binge. I feel profoundly damaged by the nearly ten years I spent with him. It wasn't just the drug abuse. It was the violence, the installation of fear, the manipulation and lies, the isolation from friends and family, and his pure arrogance in that he felt that he could treat another human being in that way that broke me.

I could go on and on about all the bad shit. I could. I won't.

I have to get over this. I don't know how I will, but I have to. It's apparently not enough that I have a decent and fairly happy life now. I think it starts with the next time he calls, I don't talk to him. He can talk to his kids. If he wants to know how our son in the Home is doing, he can call them himself. There will be no screaming and yelling or accusing. I don't have anything else to say. Period.

Todd Carr is not only The Dirtbag Of The Month, he's The Dirtbag Of Our Lives. It will never change. Thank God I did. I Thank God that He gave me the courage to make those changes, and when I go to sleep tonite, it will be next to a wonderful man who adores me and loves me like no one ever has before. I am fortunate and blessed. And I Thank God that I know this.