Weekly Onion Horoscope

NOW THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.

Also, there is a great article entitled: "Hi, I Like To cut Myself". The girl says her favorite movies are Secretary and Girl, Interupted. She also likes to cook, garden and sew (get it? knives, sharp tools and needles?)

Hilarious!

Uh Oh! He's Not Living Up To His Behind The Music Potential!

Why is THIS story one of the lead stories on Good Morning America?




If this was Colin Farrell, maybe I could see it. But it's Leif Garrett. GMA also had Danny Bonaduce (whom I absolutely loathe) on there to comment and argue with Leif's mother. The dude got popped for possesion of heroin and will be in jail for a few days. Big deal. It happens every day. At the end of his Behind The Music, he was supposedly sober and WHAT A SHOCKER he's not anymore. End Of Story. It's just one of those sad but true things, whether you're a former child star and Tiger Beat heartthrob, or MY EX HUSBAND.

Another Laugh From The Onion

I CRACKED UP when I read this!

John Madden Arrested For Possession Of Turhumanheaducken
November 24, 2005 | Onion Sports

GREEN BAY, WI—Football commentator John Madden, famous for his unique vocal stylings and his holiday presentations of unusual meats to winning teams, was taken into custody by Green Bay police after serving Minnesota Vikings players a large "turhumanheaducken" with all the trimmings following their 20-17 victory over the Packers Monday night. "Mr. Madden served the suspect item to the players immediately after the game and, although he referred to it by its full name, Vikings players were apparently too excited or hungry to realize that what they were eagerly devouring was, in fact, a roast turkey stuffed with a rotisserie chicken, a baked duck, and a deep-fried human head," Green Bay Police Chief Craig Van Schndyle told reporters. "Place-kicker Paul Edinger, safety Darren Sharper, and quarterback Brad Johnson are among those being held for medical observation while we analyze the marbled gray matter in the 'oyster' stuffing, the makeup of what we originally thought was cranberry sauce, and the head itself." Police are currently questioning Madden concerning how he obtained the head, whether or not he had help cooking the turhumanheaducken, and the current whereabouts of Monday Night Football statistician "Malibu" Kelly Hayes, who was last seen grocery shopping with Madden Saturday afternoon.

Oh, and here's the horoscope too:

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.

Now, what's truly weird about this horoscope is that Mr. Spinks has a whole slew of relatives that live in my town! So, I guess it's possible it could come true...

Weekly Onion Horoscope

Here it is, and it's particularly lame, but oh well!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.

Happy New Year

Right now, I'm using my boyfriend's new laptop, watching Charlie Rose discuss why Hollaback Girl should be Record Of The Year. I like the song all right (I did after all download it to MY BRAND NEW IPOD!!!!!!!!! Thank you Santa!) but it's just too weird hearing Charlie talk about Kanye West and Mariah Carey. The Legend Of Johnny Cash should be Record Of The Year. Yeah, I know. It's all songs from years ago but still, it's my blog and in here it's my world. But realistically, it should be Green Day.

So... What's been up with me lately you ask? I turned a year older. I am now officially pushing forty. Last year, at the age of 35, I wasn't. Now that I'm 36, well... maybe I shouldn't look at it as being older, I'm just getting more seasoned. One thing that us more "seasoned" folks have to look forward to is having to be on more medications. I had a small health scare (and that's another thing old people have to fear, health scares) I went to the doctor because I thought I had Restless Leg Syndrome and also I was a litle tired, and maybe could they check my Thyroid level too while they were at it? So they drew blood and I went home with a prescription for Requip, which by the way, works very well for Restless Leg. I get a call a few hours later and the nurse tells me to come to the hospital because I am so anemic that I need a blood transfusion. Since I got it a week ago, I do feel better. But still! This shit was bananas!

Movie I This Week: Kicking And Screaming. It was Ok. Will Ferrell was more low key than I would have liked. Even my kids made this observation. They asked me who my favorite character was. Hands down, Mike Ditka. He even had a pretty substantial role. I bought my daughter March Of The Penguins, and we'll watch it tonight in the car on our new portable DVD players courtesy of my boyfriend's parents! Something tells me I'm gonna like that one better.

Best Album I Listened To: Why it's none other than Gretchen Wilson's All Jacked Up. Highlights: I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today, and Skoal Ring and Not Bad For A Bartender. All on my brand new Ipod. I also downloaded choice cuts from Alexander O'Neil and Shalimar. Why? Because whenever me and my man do it, I pick a channel on the digital music service I get on the TV in our bedroom, and the last time it was R&B Classics. The Top Three Sexiest Channels Are As Follows:

Electronica(Uncensored)
R&B Classics
Old School Rap

Sometimes we do it to Party Favorites or Retro-Active (80's music like The Cure and The Damned) but for the most part it's those top three. Ocassionaly we do it to the Americana channel, which features selections from artists such as Shooter Jennings and Ryan Adams. I think that this music is tragically sexy, and good for pity fucking. However, nothing beats coming in the middle of a LL Cool J song (Old School Rap).Yes, I know this seems like a particularly dirty entry, but I'm buzzed on cheap red wine (AGAIN) and it's been a few days...

Top News Story: CNN is all over the story of Baby Noor. This Iraqi baby born with spina bifida that our soldiers found while doing a raid. The child is coming to a hospital in Atlanta to have a much needed operation. CNN is in Atlanta. Hmmmm.... Like I said to my boyfriend, it's just another PR thing to make it look like we actually want to help the Iraqui people. Cynical? Yeah. But I will still watch CNN over anything else. It's just another symptom of becoming seasoned!