Can You Guess What Movie These Words Are From?

The curl of her lips, the ice in her stare
All innocent children had better beware
She's like a spider waiting for the.. kill,

Weekly Onion Horoscope

As usual, the horoscope for Capricorn is lame, so I will add my personal fave for the week:

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.

This Dress Ain't So Bad!

I actually like this dress. It's one of those that probably looks fabulous in person, but doesn't photograph well. It is not however, what I want to see Paris Hilton in. I do a lot of work in the ladies clothing dept. where I work, (technically I'm jewelry,cosmetics, and accessories, what they call "ready to wear" there,and I end up helping out pretty much on a daily basis) and it's chock full of the latest trend of "boho" fashions, some of which I like and some of which are simply hideous. When I think of Paris Hilton, I think of serious glamour and bling, not boho. So this is a fashion departure for her, and maybe that's why the girls at gofugyouself.com don't like it. By the way, this website is a true guilty pleasure. It is so mean spirited but dead on true! The dress itself probably cost several thousand dollars, and if I could have gotten my grimy little hands on it, I'd wear it. But that's just me. I'm totally looking forward to buying myself a new outfit on Saturday where I work. There is an aquamarine colored cordoroy blazer and matching pants on Clearance where I work. 12.50 a piece. That's how I roll, bitches!

Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.

Call Me Pollyanna If You Must But...

This morning I am skimmed salon.com and came across this article by Sidney Blumenthal. He talks about the repetitiveness of President Bush's responses to the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina. Here's an excerpt:

Sept. 22, 2005 | "Even the words are the same. On Iraq, President Bush declared on Feb. 4, 2004, "We will do what it takes. We will not leave until the job is done." On post-Hurricane Katrina reconstruction, on Sept. 15, he eerily echoed, "We will do what it takes. We will stay as long as it takes." It was reassuring for the nation to be told by the president in his televised address that he intends to "stay" in the United States and not cut and run. Perhaps a White House speechwriter hit the copy-and-paste function on his computer or the word "stay" simply popped into the president's mind as he contemplated the crisis, straying into improvisation."

Okayyyyy... And while I can't believe I'm actually defending the president here, I'm not sure what else he could say! Well, maybe he could go on TV and just come clean about all of it. Reveal all the lies and cover ups and have a "Dr. Phil" style turning point moment where Dr. Phil asks "And how's this working for ya?", and the President says "Not very well". But that's not gonna happen. So, just trying to reassure the nation with promises not to leave anybody in the lurch again seems to be the most soothing approach. It works for a lot of people. People like my mother.

However, I have a skeptic view of this next sentence in the article:

"Similarly, Bush, still on his monthlong vacation in August, during which he devoted press availabilities to explaining why he would not meet with Gold Star Families for Peace mother Cindy Sheehan ("I think it's also important for me to go on with my life, to keep a balanced life"), greeted Katrina as a cakewalk. "When that storm came through at first, people said, Whew. There was a sense of relaxation," he said. The record, however, reveals Gov. Kathleen Blanco of Louisiana frantically and unsuccessfully attempting to reach him or his chief of staff, and the levees being breached before Katrina's eye passed over New Orleans. Four days afterward, Bush's staff considered him so ill-informed on the basic facts that they prepared a video of network news reports for him to watch as Air Force One carried him back to Washington."

See, we (and when I say "we" I mean liberals) get mad when we think that conservatives are skewing the info to fit their agenda, but I think that when Mr. Blumenthal says that the President was so "ill-informed" he had to watch a video on Air Force One, that might be stretching it a little bit. Because there are so many news outlets out there like CNN, MSNBC, Fox, CNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, and of course The Weather Channel (and these are just the ones I get on my TV, here in podunkville) telling the same story, with the same main characters, it's the finer details that differ. If you had to get up in front of the nation and address them about it, wouldn't YOU want to know what each one of the news channels were saying? You can't watch all of them at once! You have your people do that and put it together in a nice little package for you. What's so wrong with that shit? What do they pay those people for? Call me Pollyanna who listened to her mother too much while growing up if you must, but I find it hard to believe that the President was "ill-informed". When all that went down, it was like "DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SHIT? PEOPLE DYING ON THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF THE CONVENTION CENTER?" I couldn't watch anything BUT CNN for about 10 days afterward. You can't tell me he didn't gawk at it just like you would a bad car wreck. In fact, I have CNN on right now. People are evacuating Houston and Galveston. There is another atrocious storm heading there right now. It could be just as bad if not worse than Katrina. GOD HELP US!!!!!!

My life is going OK. I am having short bursts of depression, yesterday I was feeling kinda shitty, but today I feel better. I signed some more paperwork for "The Home", so that's progressing along. I am still feeling the hatred for all nurses and social workers, but I must be getting used to it because I'm not as down today.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Ladder 49. Why though, does a movie spend two hours really making you invest all your devotion to a great character and then he DIES in the end? Same thing with Cold Mountain. What I thought was interesting about the casting of characters in Ladder 49 was that John Travolta wasn't the Male Lead. Joaquin Phoenix was. Joaquin did a fantastic job of course, but Travolta stole every scene, even if it was a supporting role. I liked how the story was told over the course of a ten year span, and I think they captured the spirit and camraderie of a real firehouse. But then again, it would be unthinkable if Hollywood made a movie that made firemen look BAD. They can make movies that make cops look bad (Training Day, and about a thousand others) but everybody loves a fireman.

Best Album I Listened To: Thriller. I hate what Michael Jackson has become and I think he did everything they said he did and more, but this is one the best records ever produced. Period. In a few weeks on Halloween night when we get in the car to drive across town to trick or treat in other neighborhoods, we will blast Thriller over and over again until we get sick of it. Which will be NEVER because it is such a fabulous song!

Book I'm Reading This Week: Fire by Sebastian Junger. Sebastian Junger is hot by the way. The back cover photo makes him look totally doable and the fact that he went out west and fought forest fires, went to the front lines in the war in Bosnia and investigated the atrocities in Sierra Leone makes him seem even more delicious. I have already read excerpts of these stories in Vanity Fair, but I had to buy the book when I saw it in Dollar Tree for one dollar.

Top News Story: Hurricane Rita. It's the not knowing that makes it scary. But I have a sneaky suspicion that it's gonna be dreadfully awful. If everybody that's in New Orleans helping still needs to be there, who's gonna go help in Texas?

Proud To Be From The Midwest

It seemed that when I lived down in Florida, people there just didn't have the same kind of twisted sense of humor that folks I've grown up with have. I felt out of place and my attempts at making a joke often fell flat. The only person I knew who really "got" and understood my sick and hugely self deprecating personality was a pediatric resident that had my son as a patient. He was the angel that God puts in your path when you need one most. My life was the biggest mess you can imagine back then, caring for a terribly frail baby and a drug addicted and bipolar husband. I had something to look forward to (when I knew it was going to be another long and tortured night in the ER or ICU with my fragile child, if he was working) we would share a gross story and a nice laugh and it eased the pain for just a few moments. But I didn't mean to go on about this tonight! And here I am crying as I write this, too. I wanted this post to be about something funny I just came across.

The Onion is published out of Madison Wisconsin and it is the funniest publication and website I have ever seen.This is why I'm proud to be from the midwest. I have started to copy and paste my horoscope from theonion.com every week. This is just one more hilarious thing out of about a thousand that I have come across on this site.

Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

By A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy
September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.

—Fed-Up in Frisco
Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,

Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

By the Grace Of God, this is fortunately NOT ME circa 1991 on my way to an early exit from college, a bad marriage and a fabulous carreer in retail! (See previous post with Tara Reid pic). I can spend a lot of time wallowing in self pity about how my life goes sometimes, but I can thank God that this is a road I DIDN'T GO DOWN.

Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.



You know, out of all the horoscope listings for this week, Capricorn's the lamest one. So here's another one:

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.

Is This For Real?

Somebody... Please tell me this has been photoshopped!

I Saw The Home

Well, I went to visit the Home. Me and my Mom went down there yesterday. It was underwhelming. The place could have used a new coat of paint and the staff were a little rough looking, the floors could have used a better mopping than they were getting and I detected a slight whiff of urine (fortunately I can say it wasn't a stench, like some nursing homes have). Did I get all weepy and emotional? Of course I did. This is painful. But I gotta do what I gotta do. I think the place gets an OK rating by me, and my Mom thinks it's gonna be just fine. He'll fit in there just perfect. All the kids looked just like him. They had the same faces, the same posture and the same machines.

I called the DCFS worker yesterday and he is coming over on Monday morning. It's like scheduling an appointment at the Dentist for a root canal, except I'd rather have the root canal than be called a liar and accused of coaching my kids' answers like the last guy did. Thank God it's not him this time. It's somebody new.

The last thing I'm gonna say is this: For as much I dread (and have dreaded this idea of placing my son in a residential treatment facility) this, I have a profound sense of RELIEF that all this drama will soon be over. I just hope and pray that I have made the right decision and that this is best place for him. Time will tell me that. Indeed.

Look! It's a picture of me, circa 1991, drinking my way towards an early exit from college and a future bad marriage and distinguished career in retail!

Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, you are just one person. Stop insisting that you're a 14-piece bluegrass band.

I'm Feeling Way Too Down To Write But I'm Gonna Do It Anyway

As I write this, I am patiently waiting for a nurse and social worker from DCFS to come to my house. Well, at least I know the nurse is coming, the social worker was called and I should expect to see his cheery little face anytime in the next few days. They accuse me of medical neglect because on Saturday I didn't give my son his ulcer medicine or allergy medicine that day. He ended up in the hospital because he was puking blood. Nevermind that I asked the doctor if missing a dose of that would cause that much vomiting and she said "No."

Now I can admit to not being a perfect type A parent. Which by the way, if I was, they wouldn't like that either because then I would be too much trouble by demanding that they be perfect. And apparently being too laid back and letting them control everything isn't working either. I hate all nurses and social workers. It's like being a kid and having to live in a house where your step-dad molests you repeatedly. You have to be grateful and thankful that he puts a roof over your head, you are a kid and you need him but it's a necesarry EVIL. I don't even care how hateful and ungratefull this sounds. But it's how I am feeling today, and I have decided that I am not putting up with it any longer.

The solution: I have to put him in a Home. And I have to do it before the state puts him in foster care. Because if they do that, then I won't have any rights or say so over his care. Somebody else could tell a doctor to literally pull the plug on him if he ever got that bad, and believe me, with this kid, it's been THAT BAD more than once. That's my fear. Would my life be a lot easier if I didn't have him here with me? Of course it would. But on the second day of his life when the doctor told me that he was going to be the way he is today, I made a DECISION. A decision to not give up, just because it would be the easy thing to do. I have stuck it out and sacrificed a lot. And now here I am thinking of throwing in the towel! Another reason the nursing home idea appeals to me more is because that nursing agency (whom I absolutely detest now) will lose a major case and lots of money, whereas, if he goes to foster care, that family will get home health nursing from the same agency (probably) and the company doesn't lose any of their dollars. So what did I do today? I contacted the nearest facility that will take children and Medicaid and will be visiting them next week. I'll be sure to not wear any mascara that day and take along an entire box of kleenex because it's gonna be a long and teary day.

Whatever my next journal post is gonna be, I sure do hope it's a cheerier one than this. I just feel despondent and helpless over this.

I shouldn't use words like that though. Right now CNN is on in the background. The Hurricane. Now THAT'S DESPONDENT AND HELPLESS. I might be feeling really shitty about my situation but my life isn't that bad. Now is it?

Books I've read this week: The Surgeon's Wife. (I had to put the Bill Clinton book aside and start reading something else. I just had to.) This is a true crime story. Did the surgeon dismember his bitchy, cheating, coke using wife and dump her body out of an airplane somewhere in New Jersey? This book seems to think so, and so did the jury.

Movies I've seen: Napoleon Dynamite. Except I didn't get to see all of it, I missed certain parts because I had to cook dinner. What I did get to see, I thought was hilarious. And when I do get to see it in full I'll write about it more detail.

Album I Listened To This Week: Rock Swings by Paul Anka. I LOVE THIS RECORD!!!!!!! It's all remakes of rock songs that he turned to fabulous and quite complex arrangements. Imagine Tony Bennett singing "Black Hole Sun"! Mel Torme doing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"! Frank Sinatra singing Van Halen's "Jump"! It works, and it's stangely wonderful. The songs still retain their edge and messages of desolation and longing, but they SWING! It's a soundtrack to depraved deeds commited in Las Vegas. Every track is so finely crafted. And my favorite track is: You know, I can't pick just one. Every single song is very special.

Hot Topic Of The Week: Hurrican Katrina. The city of New Orleans as well as the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and Alabama has been absolutely DECIMATED. Millions of people are now homeless and thousands are dead. The public is now outraged that our government was too complacent with the rescue efforts. And our president's response is that he doesn't know what they're talking about.

Sorry, I can't help you there. I voted for Kerry. Although I would have liked to have voted for Howard Dean. YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Update: I just talked to the administrator of the Home I contacted. I go to visit on Friday morning. It'll be a five hanky weeper of a day.

I Can't Wait Till I Get To Be 55

I knew it! My boobs are gonna look this perky in 20 years! Hallelujah for the Aging Process!

Weekly Onion Horoscope

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.

You know, I've always said that if I ever had money to burn, it wouldn't be on costly plastic surgery. No new boobs, no liposuction, botox, etc. But I WOULD buy myself some new Hollywood teeth. However, this picture makes me think twice.