It's Petty, I Know, And I Don't Care!

I really did enjoy the trip to Chicago. Honestly I did. There were many fine moments and I saw some awesomely cool things. But...

My experience was marred by the constant fighting and bickering between my children! Maybe that's a shitty thing to say. But this is my diary, and I'm not wearing my Mom Hat here, this is me talking. I found myself wishing that I hadn't brought them along (even tho the whole point of bringing them along this time was so that they could have the experience of being in a huge city like that and what it has to offer) and found myself actually saying to them that they weren't coming back next year, and that me and my boyfriend would be taking a solo weekend vacation sans THEM. Awful, right?

My two youngest children are 9 and 11. I know they are going to bicker and fight. I know that their maturity level still needs to grow. A Lot. I understand all this completely. I can predict that my daughter will argue with me in a huge shopping mall such as the one in Schaumburg, if I don't get her everything she wants and then pout and be pissy until we get to the next store and the process repeats itself. I know with a certain amount of certainty that my son will run ahead of us and dash off in different directions, particularly in large department stores, and I will get frustrated because I can't find him for a few minutes, and when we get to the next store the process repeats itself. It doesn't matter what I say, they keep doing it. I mean, these are just TWO ways they piss ME off. These kids fight with each other constantly. I know it's normal. And I know it's my job to try to mediate and curtail their actions, but it's also something that we need to just get thru for the next few years. I know I'm supposed to focus on all the fun we had and the cool things we did, but THIS is what sticks in my mind. So can you blame me for telling them I don't want 'em around for our mini-vacay weekend next year? If me and my boyfriend fought this bad on a vacation I would have serious doubts about whether I would ever go away with him again, and possibly consider ending our relationship.

Like I said, because this is my diary, I can say how I really feel and not worry about being a bad mother for feeling this way. Perhaps it's my own inner 11 year old that feels like being bitchy and not very mature.

With all that said, here are the highlights: The View From Our Hotel. We stayed at the McCormick Place Hyatt. It was a real nice hotel (sixty fucking dollars for a breakfast buffet tho, jeez!) but it was the view of the city that impressed me the most. The Lake and Soldier Field (I don't know if they still call it that, because it's newly built but I'm old school and I'll still call it that) to the right of us and the rest of the city to out left, some of the buildings lit up in blue and orange and spelling out "GO BEARS" (then the Bears promptly LOST the Super Bowl the next day). Next it was The Museum Of Science And Industry and the Body Worlds Exhibit. These are actual cadavers that have been plasticized and preserved. You can see every tendon and ligament, every strand of muscle tissue, and all the nerves and their fascinating innervations. Fabulous! And a somber reminder that we really are fearfully and wonderfully made by the One True Creator. And lastly, (and this was probably the happiest and most stress free part of the trip) the dinner at Pizano's. Oh man! That was some great pizza! Thank you Google for finding me this great place! I typed in "the best pizza in Chicago" and this popped up. It was definetly the best pizza I ever ate.

Best Movie I Saw This Week: You know I habitually use the rating system that accompanies each movie that is on Insight Cable. Movies such as Titanic and Star Wars and The Godfather are rated four stars and really good, even great movies are rated three stars. But every once in awhile I will watch a movie that is rated two stars and I feel that the rating is a little unfair, and that it should be a three star film. The Birdcage is one such film. Nathan Lane is wonderful and delightful but it is Robin Williams' more understated and refined performance that makes this movie special. It's also a real treat to revisit a movie you saw ten years ago and be shocked and delighted at how funny it really was.

Best Song I Heard: This Ain't A Scene It's A Godamned Arms Race by Fall Out Boy. If I can talk about how much I love "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake (and OOH I just remembered that I will be out dancing TOMMORROW NITE, and chances are I will shakin my booty to this song!) I can wax rhapsodic about Fall Out Boy. Actually I won't go that far, but I DID download this ringtone to my phone. And until just now, I wasn't even sure what this song was trying to say! I looked at the lyrics and it appears to be about the likes of tabloid/paparazi/bitchy internet gossip blog fags (yeah I said it again, and not because I'm homophobic but because these guys were my dirtbags of the month last month and I used that word back then). But didn't I see pictures of Pete Wentz next to Perez Hilton just a little while ago? Hmmm.... Oh well!

Book I'm Reading This Week: Manhunt by James L. Swanson. This is about the 12 day manhunt for James Wilkes Booth after he assassinated Abraham Lincoln. I knew this story (yes, I did pay attention SOMETIMES in school) but not all the historic details. And yes, this is a great book. I'm only about a third of the way thru right now, but I WILL finish this one.

Current Sewing Project: It's a pretty summer frock! It's New Look 6239. And it looks like I WILL FINISH this one too (and actually be able to wear the damn thing; I'm getting better!)

Top News Story: Well, today the news was all about the massive snow storm that pretty much covered us from Oklahoma to New York. Yeah, this winter has been a bit brutal compared to the last seven winters (that's how long I've been back home since I lived in Florida) school has been cancelled more than once this season but never Target. Oh they'll never cancel Target! What the news seemed to focus on were the over 2000 cancelled flights out of OHARE ALONE. It doesn't affect me at all because I don't travel much, but think about it: that's a lot of ruined plans. Weddings, funerals, births, etc. That's kind of a big deal, you know?

Since I started this post with a petty theme, I'll end it with one. I don't give a rat's ass if Barack Obama smokes! I guess he has promised the nation that he is quitting. Oh whatever! Ok, sure, he SHOULD quit. Everybody should, myself included. But why make a big deal about it? All those religious righters who support Bush and think that somehow smoking makes a person a dirty one, what's worse? Lighting up and taking a few puffs outside the capitol building or flat out fucking LYING to the American people about all the Iraq bullshit?

I'm looking forward to the new episodes of Bill Maher on HBO, and it starts again tommorrow. But HAH! Guess what, I'll just have to watch it later on On Demand because I WON'T BE HOME! I'm going out and I'm bringing SEXY BACK to that godamned bar! Yee Haw!!!!!!!!!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year! Tax-Refund Time! I'm so excited. I bought some new makeup from Sephora and a couple of new shirts from Victoria's Secret. I know. For some people this sounds like a drop in the bucket. They buy shit online every day and don't think twice. Me, I get to be extravagant only once a year and this is IT! I also made reservations for a hotel in Chicago. This time we're taking the kids with us. We are going to the Museum Of Science And Industry. I wonder if they still have the coal mine in there? I remember when I was a kid, it seemed so real, like they were really taking us down into a mine, when in actuality they just took you into the basement, but STILL! It was great! And the fetuses representing each week of development! Gross, but cool. I could go on and on about it, but it was almost 30 years ago since I was last there. I wonder what cool new shit they have there...

In two weeks we shall see!

Best Movie I Saw This Week: Beerfest. Yeah, it's true. I didn't watch many movies this week. Was it funny tho? Of course! It was from the Broken Lizard guys. I just want to take this opportunity to recognize that Kevin Hefferman (Landfill) is the most talented performer of that group. This is my opinion and what do I really know, but this poor guy got the shitty role in Super Troupers, ( a classic, and these guys can put out more movies for the rest of their lives and they won't live up to that one)as Officer Rodney Farva the asshole everybody hates. They gave him a break and made him a sweetie in Club Dread as Lars, but in Beerfest he was back to being the dickhead. Well, at least he is the dickhead on the good guys side. Why do I think he's so great? Shit I don't know! Maybe it's because he's so good at being disgusting and we all know somebody just like him! And here's why I think I'm right on this one: because director Jay Chandrasekhar has used him in his other projects besides the Broken Lizard Productions and he didn't use the others! What does that tell ya, huh?

Best Song I Heard: Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. This is Rock. But this is also very danceable. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

I hold on so nervously
To me and my drink
I wish it was cooling me
But so far, has not been good
It’s been shitty
And I feel awkward, as I should
This club has got to be
The most pretentious thing
Since I thought you and me
Well I am imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Book I'm Reading This Week: The Good German by Joseph Kanon. I feel somewhat guilty that I can't get into this book like I should. It's good and all but I'm not feelin it. But if it was good enough for George Clooney and Cate Blanchett to star in the movie version, I need to at least finish it.

Top News Story: Barack and Hilary. I've talked about this before and I'm still undecided! But a story I read in Salon.com today got my goat. Debra Dickerson writes: "Since the issue was always framed as a battle between gender and race (read: non-whiteness -- the question is moot when all the players are white), I didn't have the heart (or the stomach) to point out the obvious: Obama isn't black." Then she goes on to say that he hasn't carried any of the burdens that "real" black people have had to (meaning folks descended directly from African slaves). Well, she didn't read his book too well. He talks a lot about the specific burden of being MIXED and all the issues that go along with that! You know why I think Barack Obama is black? Two reasons: He looks like a black man. When you see him you think "black man". Also, HE calls himself that, and that's how he sees HIMSELF. You know when you have transexual man who is really a man, but because he dresses up like a woman and has had surgeries and hormonal therapy you're supposed to call him "her"? Even tho "she" still has Y chromosomes in every cell of her body. Yeah. Like that. So techinically Barack might not be all black, he looks like it and he calls himself that, so guess what? To make it easier on everybody, we have to CALL HIM THAT. And I for one, would be thrilled to have him as my president, and I couldn't care less if he were half PURPLE or not!

On a lighter note, The Bears made it to the Superbowl! We aren't big sports fans in this house but I secretly like football so sshh, don't tell anybody Ok? That Sunday we'll be traveling back FROM CHICAGO (it would probably br more funner AND scarier if we were going INTO the city that nite instead of leaving it) and I promised my kids that we would be back home in time to see who won. I cannot WAIT to get to Chicago. The city will be alive with hope and anticipation. I'm so excited for my kids to be able to see this for the first time. I've told them all along that this jewel of the Midwest is only a mere four hours away from us, and it's waiting there, just for them. To Behold.

How Do You Say HOT In Hebrew?

Who KNEW that Ali G/Borat/Bruno was this mother-effing GORGEOUS?

Not me, but now he most certainly has MY attention!

Dirtbag(s) Of The Month

I have been wracking my brain this past week trying to come up with the first nominee for the year 2007 and I was having a hard time coming up with anybody interesting. Oh sure, I could name George W. Bush because he is calling for more troops in Iraq. MORE TROOPS. He's the obvious choice because he is that much of a fucking moron. But that's just it: it's too obvious.

Then, I've been hearing about this current trial going on in my area about a woman who left her kids in the car while she went to Kmart to return something, and one of her kids was playing with a lighter and burned the car up with his ten month old baby brother still in it. The kicker to this whole sad story is the last thing she said as she was leaving the parking lot (after her BABY just DIED) "When can I come back to get my money for the refund?" or something like that. But I can't name her because girls are exempt from being named Dirtbag Of The Month. Somebody else out there can create a "Stupid Fucking Psychotic Cunt Of The Month" if they want to, but I'm gonna stick to Dirtbags with Y chromosomes in every single cell of their body.

So who pissed me off this week... It started with a collumn by Ted Casablanca (which by the way, wasn't "Ted Casablanca" a minor character in Valley Of The Dolls? I think so, which makes him a mighty clever little minx!) posted almost every day on E!Online. Here is a pic and what I think is an offensive quote about Ashlee Simpson:



"First up, Ashlee Simpson, tanning her hide in Honolulu (click here to get the full effect). Gotta say, since A.S. got her schnoz done, her attractiveness has dropped (in my opinion), and these pics aren't exactly helping her case.

Now, I'm not suggesting she go all Kate Bosworth on us or anything, but is it bitchy to say I think her bod would benefit from some crunches? She's almost making Jessica seem like the hot Simpson sis again, and that's a tough feat, considering how orange and overstuffed Jess has been looking lately."

Why,yes, Ted, it IS bitchy to say that! He managed to note her recent plastic surgery, that she supposedly isn't as pretty as she used to be, and compares her to her sister saying that Jessica is starting to look better than her again. All in two sentences. In a column that millions of people read every day.

Now, Ted was being almost SWEET in that post compared to Michael K in dlisted.com. Here's what this guy had to say about the same photograph:

"Ashlee Simpson let her lady lumps breathe in Hawaii over the past weekend and although she’s not a lard ass, she looks a little….thick. Ok not thick…she looks a little….chunky. Ok not chunky…she looks a little…wobbly. Ok, she looks gross."

And I can't even FIND the post that Perez Hilton created about this, because I think he removed it from his site. In fact, the full body shot of Ashlee Simpson that these people think is so offensive has been taken down off of eonline and dlisted. I don't know why, but it probably has to do with a nasty letter from a lawyer.

So, the Dirtbag(s) Of The Month are: Bitchy Internet Fags. Oh sure, I've made comments about celebrities on here (like Nicole Kidman will find her husband Keith Urban passed out in a roach infested project apartment in Nashville some day for example) but have I ever made such nasty comments about somebody's weight or what shape their body is in? I feel especially bad for Ashlee because she has admitted publicly that she had an eating disorder in the past. Which I think never really leaves you and the potential for relapse is very high. I personally think that anybody with an eating disorder is nuttier than a fruitcake, BUT the last thing somebody like Ashlee needs is to read just stupid, pointless, ramblings like the ones I mentioned above.

I would like to see Ted, Micheal, and Perez stand on a beach in speedos so we could make moronic comments about what kind of physical shape they're in. I'd let Ashlee have the first crack at it.

I have to admit, I do enjoy seeing those pictures of celebrity cellulite on the cover of The Enquirer. I know it must horrify those starlets to have their asses displayed like that for all to see, but it brings these goddesses back down to earth a bit. And reminds everyone that what you see isn't always what you get with these gals. I've said it here before but I'll say it again: I'm 37 years old. I'm 5'9". I weigh 160 pounds. I've had three kids. I don't work out and I pretty much eat what I want to. I've got stretch marks and cellulite all over the place. I DON'T hate my body. But somebody like Ashlee Simpson with an eating disorder DOES. And these assholes have to say she looks "gross". That her "attractiveness has dropped" and that she could "benefit from a few crunches".

It pains me to write all this because I READ THEIR BLOGS EVERY DAY, and feel entertained by them. I'm a celebrity gossip blog junkie. So, I have to ask myself: How many times have I read something on there that was very mean-spirited, and not gave it a second thought about how the post is about a real person with actual feelings. Perez Hilton actually draws cum stains on people's faces and writes things like "WHORE" on their pictures. Why? Is it really that funny?

So, because of this whole Ashlee brouhaha these bitchy Internet fags (yeah I said "fag", and I don't care if it sounds homophobic or not because number one: I'm not, and number two: they deserve at least some kind of slur for this) are my DIRTBAG(S) FOR THE MONTH OF JANUARY!